Totally Serious Opponent Report: BAMA

Kneel before SABAN. - Kevin C. Cox

RAMMER JAMMER YELLER HAMMER, I DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL AT ALABAMA.

IT'S BAMA WEEK, Y'ALL. WHO'S EXCITED? BESIDES COLLETTE. SHE'S ALWAYS EXCITED.

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Alabama football has THE CRAZIEST fan base in all of sports. That isn't just my opinion. It's a fact. BAMA fans take crazy to new and undiscovered levels. They poison opposing teams' trees, worship a coach that's been dead for 30 years, and will gladly expose their genitals in the filthiest of fast food restaurants. I know the saying, "one bad apple spoils the bunch" can be true, but when all of the apples are soaked in Natty Light and left to sit on the track at 'Dega that phrase is about as useless as Sylvester Croom's 2-Minute offense. ROLL TIDE.

They're like some great, dysfunctional house from Game of Thrones. Think Lannisters mixed with Freys mixed with Targaryens. WINTER IS COMING. NAH SON, BAMA IS COMING. ROLL TIDE.

This is without a doubt the most hyped "Battle for Highway 82" since 1999, and just in case Bama fans have forgotten, the stakes haven't changed. Winner gets the highway and every town it passes through, except Reform. You can keep that speed trap.

Here are few things you need to know about the Crimson Tide:

1. 14 NATIONAL TITLES. Most Bama fans would lead you to believe that their 14 national titles are 100% LEE-GIT, but we know that's not the case. In '41 Bama lost to MSU and Vandy, but the Houlgate Poll still named them champs (20th in AP Poll). The '64 and '73 titles were awarded before bowl games that Bama eventually lost.

2. BRYANT-DENNY STADIUM. CAPACITY 101,182. Sure to be filled by 80,000 who never took a single

class at Alabama.

3. THE CRIMSON HOLY TRINITY: Bryant, Saban, and Finebaum are the three most important/powerful people in the state of Alabama. Followed distantly by the Allison brothers.
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4. AJ MCCARRON'S TATTOO. It's...you see...man, it's just gross. Remember what I said about Bama fans being sh--house crazy? It apparently applies to their players' tattoos as well.

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5. SUCK IT, JOHN PARKER WILSON. You made Freddie Kitchens look good.

BONUS COVERAGE: And I mean BONUS. Get a look at AJ McCarron's mother.

GAME PREDICTION: BOOWDAWGS 17 - TAAHHHHD 34
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