Hi, I'm Matthew Stevens. I'd like to share with you the story of how I changed the course of history for the Golden Triangle when I became "The Dispatch MSU Sports Blog".
It all started a few years ago when I received a call from the Columbus Dispatch. I was sitting in my bean bag chair eating Cheetos and watching some Cardinals minor league action in my mom's basement. They asked me to cover the Mississippi State Bulldogs for them. I was intrigued by their offer of a lifetime supply of 1990s penis haircuts, but I was hesitant to take it because my mom told me I could eat as many Cheetos as I wanted as long as I stayed in her basement. It was a tough decision, but I figured with all the free haircuts, and since people in the south have the same once a week bathing schedule I do, I accepted the position.
Once I arrived in the Golden Triangle I immediately began my coverage of the Mississippi State Bulldogs. As a carpetbagger, I knew I was smarter than all of the Mississippi State Bulldogs fans combined, so I began to think of creative ways to teach Mississippi State Bulldogs fans about sports. Then I thought of the perfect idea, I'll create a Mississippi State Bulldogs super-hero called "The Dispatch MSU Sports Blog"...those Mississippi State Bulldogs fans will be none the wiser because I'm quite a clever yankee.
Once I became The Dispatch MSU Sports Blog I started making a difference in the Mississippi State Bulldogs community. I began to educate them as to what a football was made out of, the positions on the field, I told them stories about Midwestern basketball when their hearts were broken by Rick Stansbury's final team. I even got my own radio show where I was able to further educate all the illiterate Mississippi State Bulldogs fans who couldn't read my newspaper writing. Unfortunately, my radio show ended when I got into a heated argument with the evil Croom Diaries. He wanted two-ply toilet paper in the Bulldog Sports Radio studios and I wanted a bidet. But he is a redneck and even though I tried to educate him, he was too ignorant. People say I got "Croomed", but I'm not sure what that means..
After I left Bulldog Sports Radio to get The Croom Diaries villain out of my way, I was free to focus on being The Dispatch MSU Sports Blog. During my tenure as this super-hero, I've educated Mississippi State Bulldogs fans on everything from soccer, flag football, fraternity league softball, golf, women's field hockey, lacrosse, recreational swimming at the Sanderson, bad mitten, AA high school football, table tennis, volleyball, racquetball as well as the sports they already attended, but didn't know much about: baseball, basketball and football. Every time I go to a sporting event or press conference I send out my signature tweet....
The Dispatch MSU Sports Blog is LOOKING LIVE….at Wynfrey Hotel in Hoover, Ala. for SEC basketball media day.— Matthew Stevens (@matthewcstevens) October 25, 2012
Without The Dispatch MSU Sports Blog, Mississippi State Bulldogs fans wouldn't know what they are looking at when watching sports. They wouldn't be able to find out any type of information about the Mississippi State Bulldogs. I've reported such whoppers as how I'm 100% sure Bo Wallace is coming to play for the Mississippi State Bulldogs and Will Redmond received a mustang for coming to Mississippi State. That last one got The Dispatch MSU Sports Blog on the Paul Finebaum Show. Around the same time The Croom Diaries disappeared, coincidence, I don't think so.
The Dispatch MSU Sports Blog will continue on, educating Mississippi State Bulldogs fans each and every day in extra-annoying fashion. And yes, I say the phrase Mississippi State Bulldogs every time I refer to the Mississippi State Bulldogs. I love me.
Editors note: this post was satirical in nature.