TOTALLY SERIOUS OPPONENT REPORT: TEXAS A&M

Thomas Campbell-US PRESSWIRE

It's basically your Aggie Wikipedia page, except way, way less accurate.

I actually don't mind Texas A&M. Why? Well for starters, they're an Agricultural school like us. They also are an A&M, and hey we used to be an A&M too back in the day too! LOL that's like totally crazy, and stuff. Also, we used to be the Aggies as well, but we dumped it for Bulldogs later on after the secret Bulldog overlords came to campus and began their rule using mind control over us humans*. But whether we like them or not, we play A&M on Saturday, so GUUUURRRRHHHHHH LET'S MUSTER UP SOME HATE for them this week as we get ready to take on Johnny Manziel and like 21 other guys you've never heard of. Let's take a look at Texas A&M the school to prepare for this weekend, just so you're completely informed. The totally serious opponent report, Texas A&M style, coming to right.... MEOW!

Their stadium seats 1.25 million people, approximately

If there's one thing you need to know about Texas A&M, besides the fact that they play in the SEC, it's that their stadium holds 1.25 million fans each Saturday (approximately). Each week, basically everyone north of Galveston dumps themselves upon College Station, creating a mammoth sea of maroon and white. Here's picture if you don't believe me on the size of the stadium:

Solari_field_standard_709

F'in Huge.

Jackie Wayne Sherrill coached here vs. Jackie Wayne Sherrill coached here

The game Saturday is being played for more than just who gets to be #3 in the SEC West. It's also being played for the affection of one 68 year old man, Jackie Wayne Sherrill. That's right, The Kang coached at both schools, leading A&M for seven seasons between '82-'88 and Mississippi State for 13 seasons from '91 to 2003. Despite leaving both schools in the wake of NCAA investigations (ALLEGEDLY, PAAAWWWLLL), Jackie is still held in the highest regard at both institutions, as he took A&M to 3 straight SWC championships and 5 straight victories over hated rival Texas, and as he took MSU to 6 bowl games in 13 seasons, our best run to date.

So which school does The Kang love more? Well us, obviously. Why? Because the last time these two teams met, a Jackie-led MSU squad defeated R.C. Slocum's Aggies 43-41, thus giving State claim over Jackie forever.

Let us celebrate this victory, Jackie style /double fist pump to GnR:

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Famous Alumni

  • Rip Torn - Considered by some to be the greatest actor ever to play a wheelchair confined homeless dodgeball team coach, Rip Torn has for years graced audiences with his gruff whit and boundless charm on the silver screen. He coined some of my favorite phrases ever, including: "Son, you're about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop!", "Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!", and my personal favorite - "All I know is that dyke can play!". You may also know Rip as Zed from the Men in Black movies. Overall he's been in about 1,451,672 movies, plays and TV shows (#s approx.), so there's a chance that if you've ever turned on a television, you've seen Rip. One of my favorites, even if only for his outstanding performance as Patches in Dodgeball.
  • Gene Stallings - LEAVE YOUR BAMA WORSHIP AT THE DOOR, BAMA FANS, because before Gene was your beloved coach, he was an Aggie. That's right, Gene Stallings played football at Texas A&M, way back sometime around when Jesus was in grad school, I believe. So yes, lurking Alabama fans, I know you don't want to believe this, but Gene actually bleeds maroon, not crimson /Alabama fans cover ears, shake trucker caps furiously in denial.
  • Lyle Lovett - Known to some (few) as the songbird of his generation, Lyle Lovett was once married to Julia Roberts. There's no point to that statement, I just, I mean, wow. That's for real. Anyways, Lyle is also known for his country twang, and more specifically, his chart topping hit "Cowboy Man" way back in 1986. Lyle was also the dad in the movie The New Guy, which you probably didn't know but are now glad you do. As Lyle is an Aggie, there's a chance he claims like 40 more hits than he actually has.
  • Wen Ho Lee - Never heard of the guy? Well, way back in 1999, Dr. Lee, an Aggie alum, was charged with stealing state secrets on the US' nuclear program and selling them to the People's Republic of China. WE CAN'T BE LETTIN NO TERRRISTS IN THE ESSS EEE SSEEEE PAAAAWWWWWL!!!! Let it be known that Dr. Lee was cleared of those egregious charges, and was found guilty of something way less serious. He isn't a real terrorist Pawwwwwl, so don't sue us, Dr. Lee.
  • Rick Perry - RICK PERRY IS AN AGGIE I REPEAT RICK PERRY IS AN AGGIE. That's right folks, the man who was like 6th in line to be your 2012 Republican Presidential Candidate is a graduate of Texas A&M. You may know Rick for his time in front of a camera earlier this year in Republican primaries, but what you should really know about him is HE'S A BADASS HE SHOT A COYOTE WHILE JOGGING (soft J) and also OH MY GOD HE'S GOT A GUN.

Johnny Felony Football

No, Manziel wasn't really arrested for a felony, we just like how felony falls into his nickname so well. I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to be a great SEC quarterback until you've been arrested once or have regrettable tattoos, so newcomer Johnny Manziel fits right in. Manziel over the summer was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, failure to identity and possessing a false identification card. So basically, he's every other 19 year old ever. He also appeared shirtless in his mugshot, which looks like that little kid from The Middle grew up to be brotastic.

Despite his early stumbles, Manziel's play on the field has gained him back into good graces with the Aggies. Also, I'm pretty sure Manziel, aka Scooby Doo, is now 1-0 all time against the defenses of catwoman and Mrs. Devil:

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That's Scooby's front tail, ladies.

No girl cheerleaders?

If you had to name three things synonymous with SEC football, your three would probably go like this:

  1. Best conference
  2. Best fans
  3. Gorgeous Cheerleaders

And while we know that Texas A&M brought plenty of good to the table with regards to those first two things, you may wonder what they brought to the table cheerleader wise when they joined the conference. /does internet search Wait, WHAT?! THEY DO NOT HAVE FEMALE CHEERLEADERS, ONLY MALE YELLERS? /shakes head This was clearly an oversight, Slive, one that is simply unacceptable. Although A&M is considering adding female cheerleaders, they do not have them now, which in many people's eyes automatically makes them ineligible for postseason play.

I hereby propose that A&M be put on probation until a proper cheerleading squad filled with 8's, 9's, and 10's is installed, putting them up to SEC code. Once the motion has been seconded, the probation will be in effect immediately so that Manziel's running wild on our defense and beating us into submission won't count.

Aggies - see these as good examples to model your cheerleading squad after.

Big XII to SEC - gold diggers?

After spending all of those years in a loveless marriage with the Big XII, A&M woke up a year or two ago and noticed the sexy, middle aged neighbor next door with the boatloads of cash and championships. Soon after that, the Aggies were over at the neighbors house every night, talking about how they were in a hopeless marriage with the Big XII, and how there was a Texas-sized gap between them.

Have no fear, big daddy SEC is here, and we were, as Mike Slive and company cooed in the ears of the Aggies until they came over and joined the SEC, beginning this fall.

But should we be worried? What if they do that to us? Guys who meet a girl in a relationship and then start dating her often worry that she'll turn around and do the same thing to them, and so goes the SEC and Texas A&M's relationship. Sure, things are great now, but we have to worry a bit about the future and WHAT ARE ALL THESE LONG DISTANCE CALLS LATE AT NIGHT TO LARRY SCOTT'S HOUSE YOU SLUT?!?!

/end

*unconfirmed

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