The NCAA, in all their infinite wisdom, recently revised some rules that allow coaches to contact recruits a great deal more than they were formerly able to. We all know how crazy that will make the already murky world of recruiting, but then there was this today from Jeremy Fowler of CBS:
A college head coach told me he heard from an SEC school that's hiring staffers to do one thing: Text top recruits 100-150 times per day— Jeremy Fowler (@JFowlerCBS) March 6, 2013
You read that right -- some SEC school (probably multiple ones) is looking into hiring guys for their staff simply to text recruits. We won't get into how creepy that fact is, let's just talk about the potential job market that creates. Run Home Jack did an outstanding job looking at the position that could be created on staffs around the country, but RedCupRebellion's TwoYardsandaCloudofEnricky and I thought more specific on the topic today. We didn't think about the position in general, we thought about the man who fit that job description better than any other dang tootin son of a gun out there.
Yep, we're talking about Ole Houston Nutt.
So naturally, TwoYards and I wondered, what would text messages all day from coach Nutt to a recruit look like? Well, to our best guess, they'd look like the following:
- Got a commitment to education here. Need learners. You learn? Good. Don't? We can't use you. Got to strap on the pads and WOOOO learn.
- What you doing? I'm eating doritos. I like to crush 'em up and mix 'em with pixie sticks. Delicious. We make sure our athletes eat healthy.
- Let me tell you a story 'bout Ole Houston: I grew up in a crossfire hurricane. No, wait, that was the Who. Love that band. Squeezebox.
- Yeah, you could play somewhere else. But it won't be home. Home's here. Ain't nowhere like home. Dorothy taught ole Houston that, along with everything I know bout physics. Smart woman.
- Strength and conditioning. Got to do it. Gotta. Work hard, you'll be sharper than a knife at a hat convention.
- Tell me about your mama. Got to win the mama's. You tell me about her, I win her, you come here to play football. Works everytime.
- Takes a village to raise a child. Love that Hillary Clinton. Me and Bill, lemmee tell you somethin' about me and Bill. Peas in a pond.
- Advice on sexting? Naw, ole Houston ain't into the occult, son. Did see Blue Man Group one time though. Loved it.
- Got to have faith. Need it. Faith in God. Faith in family. Faith in coaches. Faith in teammates. Faith in oranges. Bananas. Fruit. Need it.
- Gotta come down to the south. Just got to. It's warm down here. A man needs warm. So warm you could cook beans on a bear's back.
- Some days you don't feel like playin'. That's okay, son. Ole Houston feels that way sometimes too. Just get on your turtle, ride on past.
- Not much of a cat person, myself. Tell you who was. Jarven Snood. Loved them cats. Or maybe it was squirrels. I dunno. He loved 'em tho!
- Can I ask a question? Is a liger real? Saw it on that Napoleon Dynamite. Heard its real. That's crazy, right? Can't breed no lion and tiger.
- Heard it's good to be honest when texting a croot, so I'm just gonna be honest and text words as the pop in my ole noggin.
- Woops! Meant to type Injunction. Ole Houston's hands are fastern his mouth sometimes!
- Supper? Rather have it sooner. Sooner? Don't play for Stoops. He's a cheater. Ole Houston's a beater. Here's where you need to be. Gotta pee
- What do you mean a good place to hootinanny isn't high on your priorities for choosin a school?
- Gott get you to come heren play for us. Gotta do it. Won't you? Want you. Need you. We'll even feed you. Gotta do it. Gotta play right here.