A few questions that you WON'T see the media ask Dan Mullen at SEC Media Days

Marvin Gentry-US PRESSWIRE

NOTE: these are not real questions asked (Note on that note: unless they are)

Coach Mullen, talk about how your humbling loss to Alabama last year taught you to truly fear the Tide? [reporter is wearing Harvey4Ever shirt]

Coach Mullen, you've been very quiet on the situation surrounding your former player, Aaron Hernandez. Care to comment on the report that you were in the car that night with Aaron, Urban, and Tupac?

Coach Mullen, first thoughts when you hear the name Hugh Freeze: fisher of men, or fisher of high priced automobiles for men who play football?

Coach Mullen, would you say you prefer cowbell, or MORE cowbell?

Talk about the rumor that you listen to only Don't Fear the Reaper when you draw up plays.

Coach, Bob of Bob & Bob from Office Space here. What would you say it is that you do here?

Coach, how many times a day would you say that you say "Roll Tide"? Please keep in mind coach that I have attached a taser to your chair, and it's wired to respond to "never".

Talk about how Urban Meyer's tutelage throughout the years has taught you how to report secondary violations for former teams.

Coach, before you left this morning, did you let the dawgs out?

Coach, talk about how your favorite Jimmy Buffett song fins inspired you to write the script for Sharknado.

Coach Mullen, care to comment on how big of a stupid head you are? [throws popcorn at him, runs away] - David Johnson, 247sports

Coach Mullen, let's play word association. What do word comes to mind when you see this [holds up picture of Byron De'Vinner and Angelo Mirando riding Dumb & Dumber style into the sunset on a scooter]

Coach Mullen, talk about how big of a bust you think Tyler Russell hasn't been in his time in Starkville.

Coach Mullen, coach Freeze's "Bass Master" fishing boat was recently vandalized, as someone removed the "B". Care to comment on where you were two nights ago?

Coach Mullen, talk about your deal with Richard Adkerson and his purchasing of all available property in Mississippi so that MSU can literally claim that it's "Our State".

Coach, care to comment on the allegation that you received payment of two free years of Sbarro in exchange for your recruitment of his son, 2018 5'5" 145 lb defensive lineman Johnny Sbarro?

Coach Mullen, we've seen you sign sonograms, but would you sign these? [holds up basket of Bulldog puppies].

Coach Mullen, which construction project are you most excited for on campus: the completion of the north endzone expansion or the removal of the Templeton Troughs from the west side of the concourse?

More from For Whom the Cowbell Tolls:

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