Hey fam. We're just a few short weeks from a new college football season, and everyone and their mom is making predictions about the upcoming season. Naturally it's time for me to jump on the bandwagon and give you another opinion that isn't worth a hill of beans. But I know you'll read this anyway, because what else are you gonna do? Watch the Olympic Badminton quarter-finals*?
Anyway, here's the setup: I'm gonna start with good predictions. These are what will happen if things break the right way for the Bulldogs this year. Imagine if I predicted the 2014 season, only slightly better. We set the bar high here. I'm gonna follow that up with bad predictions. My bad predictions are actually my real expectations in disguise. I set the bar extremely low so I'm not disappointed, and Dan and the boys usually give me a pleasant surprise. After the bad comes the bold, and I'm not talking some sissy bold prediction like Dak Prescott will lead NFL rookie QB's in passer rating this year. This isn't Pace Salsa bold, this is "I pour ghost pepper hot sauce in motor oil and drink it as my morning coffee" bold. These have no chance of actually happening, but sometimes I'll land a shot in the dark like predicting the financial collapse of the state of Louisiana**.
Without further ado:
State will win 10 games this year. This comes down a little bit to the bowl matchup, but if things break right, I think MSU has a good chance of winning 9 regular season games. I like getting Auburn and A&M at home, we continue to get the best possible matchups from the SEC East, and dammit if we can't win an Egg Bowl against anyone but Dr. Bo.
Mississippi State will sneak up and beat LSU. We've been playing LSU close ever since 2009 when we were literally a yard away from the biggest upset I would have ever seen in person. Expectations are high on the bayou, but to me their team this year is still very similar to the team they were last year - when we were a dropped pass away from tying and a field goal away from winning. I'm putting a lot of faith in Peter Sirmon here to stop Fournette, but I really like the way we match up with them. If we pull that game out, expect Les Miles' seat to get hot in a hurry.
We will have a clear #1 quarterback from the first game of the season forward. PLEASE DAN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DAN DONT PUT ME THROUGH A PERPETUAL BULLDOG SHUFFLE*** AT THE QB POSITION
Brandon Holloway will become a solid hybrid of Dexter McCluster and Christian McCaffrey and rack up over 2000 total yards (return yards included) on the season. So maybe I was wrong last year when I said he should be the starting running back, but he is clearly talented in space and especially in third down situations. I'm hoping he can have a big season. He may need to change his name to McHolloway to better his chances of becoming like the two guys I mentioned though.
Not only will we have 4 different quarterbacks play this year, we will go into full Dan mode and have complete 1A, 1B, 1C, and 1D offenses. The good thing here is that Patrick Towles doesn't play at UK anymore****.
No one on our team will rush for over 600 yards. Kind of a good caveat I'll add on here is that I expect several guys to be around the 500 yard mark.
State will barely make it to bowl eligibility, and worse, will play in the Independence Bowl. Forgive me if you're from Shreveport, but I don't exactly consider it a great destination. This probably means that we find a way to lose to BYU or Kentucky or something and I really don't want to go down that rabbit hole.
Dan will mismanage his timeouts at the end of a game that we will ultimately lose. Maybe we can talk the NCAA into giving bonus points for timeouts left at the end of a game, but until then this will continue to bother me. Kind of along the same lines, I expect us to trot out the prevent defense way too early and get burned in a game we're leading late.
Dan Mullen will be the only coach left in the SEC West after this season. Les Miles is ousted after the Tigers lose three games again including a loss to Alabama, Arkansas fans grow too tired of finishing 6-6, Sumlin can't live up to the expectations Johnny Manziel created for him, Malzahn drives literally all of his players to transfer out of the program leaving himself jobless and Auburn without a football team, Hugh Freeze is given a 3-year show-cause because he's a cheatin rebelbearshark and everybody knows it, and Nick Saban retires after a near death bout with the Zika virus... and another championship... he's gotta get bored with winning eventually, right?
After Memphis' surprising inclusion in the Big XII's expansion to sixteen teams, some digging by the famous Benjamin Franklin Gates uncovers a conspiracy that goes back to before the creation of the NCAA. If one conference has each of its teams bring one of the BCS trophies to the All-Seeing Eye as a sacrifice, they can claim all National Titles as their own. Gates realizes that the All-Seeing Eye from the $1 bill looks a heck of a lot like the observation deck of the Bass Pro Shop headquarters, which is the only possible explanation for Memphis' inclusion in expansion. Can he steal the championship trophies before the Big XII does and save college football as we know it? Find out in National Treasure 3: The Secret Bylaws.
*surprisingly entertaining in reality
**so maybe this didn't involve an earthquake like I predicted, but I'm still hanging my hat on this one
***imagine how much harder it would be to find the bulldog if there were four helmets to choose from. That must be what Dan is going through right now trying to find his QB
****yes, Towles plays offense, but I still think he could find a way to get in the game and score points against our 1B-D. Just go with it.