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JK’s Rivalry Week Best/Worst/Bold Predictions

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I WANNA KNOW WHERE THA GOLD AT

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August 18. Normally I’m not one to brag* but that was the day that I predicted that Mississippi State would go 9-3 this season. I was drinking the Kool-Aid, and I was making enough for everyone to have some. We’re a day away from our last game of this season, and we are now 8-3. Tomorrow we play to make my prediction come true. We play to have the chance to win a tenth game in a warm, sunny destination. We play for a chance to finish the regular season ranked in the top 15, maybe even the top ten**.

We also play our in-state rival in one of the most heated games the Battle for the Golden Egg has ever seen. I have plenty of Ole Miss friends, but they aren’t my friends tomorrow.

On Thanksgiving night, Mississippi State and Ole Miss will garner national attention. As Americans pass out from tryptophan***, they’ll have the choice of entering a food coma while watching the Egg Bowl or *checks TV schedule* the R——-ns and Giants [fart noise]. This is our chance to utterly humiliate our hated rival in front of everyone. Let’s relish it.


BEST case scenario:

  • We stomp Ole Miss. The School Up North is giving up a ton of rushing yardage per game this season, and, oh by the way, we have the only QB and RB duo averaging over 80 yards/game that aren’t using the triple option. Last year no one predicted a 55-20 curb stomping, but that’s exactly what we should do to the Rebs this year.
  • The game is played cleanly. Not gonna lie, if they called this one off, I wouldn’t be disappointed. I’m legitimately concerned for the safety of our players, specifically ones involved in the NCAA investigation of Ole Miss. Hopefully the referees have been made aware of the situation and can keep the vitriol in check.
  • We make a great impression on all who are watching. I wanna go to a sunny bowl dammit, and I don’t want someone to choose some other team to go instead of us.
  • Bulldogs win 77-0. Hail State, GTHOM y’all

WORST case scenario:

  • Uh, we lose. There is no excuse to lose this game. We are a better team. We are trending upward. We aren’t waiting to hear back from the NCAA. LET’S NOT SCREW THIS UP.
  • We allow A.J. Brown to go all 2012 Donte Moncrief on us. Brown made his bed by choosing Ole Miss, let’s make him lie in it. Brown is an exceptional football player, and I wish he was wearing maroon and white, especially this year. If we lose this game, he’s going to have a lot to do with it.
  • Jordan Ta’amu does everything people thought Shea would do to us last year. Ta’amu has made a great first impression. We need to put the pressure on him that everyone else couldn’t.
  • We lose. I’m getting pissed off just trying to think of a hypothetical score letsmoveon

BOLD predictions:

  • Sissy bold: We wear uniforms with gold accents. Bob Carskadon reported Wednesday that we would wear maroon and gray with no gold. I WANNA KNOW WHERE THA GOLD AT tho
  • Making claims that the NCAA, a rival’s recruiting analyst, a former coach, and Dan Mullen are conspiring to undermine your school’s success PAWWWLLL bold: State makes a New Year’s Six bowl. Honestly I don’t even know if this is mathematically possible. BUT CHAOS. 1. Chaos on rivalry Saturday is the best chaos 2. New Year’s Six Bowls are prestigious. And not like Tennessee’s coaching job prestigious, like actually prestigious.

JK’S TOTALLY COMPUTER GENERATED ADVANCED STATS NOT MADE UP ON A WHIM ACTUAL SCORE PREDICTION: MSU runs over the Cheatin’ RebelSharksFormerlyKnownAsBears, 39-13.

*HA. Jk, I love to brag

**CHAOS!

***Actually a food coma myth!