Reasons Why Texas A&M is the Worst

• Texas A&M please choose a tradition. I mean come on. This is ridiculous. Let’s make a list:

12th Man, Aggie Bonfires, the Corps of Cadets, Aggie Spirit, Aggieland, Howdy, Gig ‘em, Midnight Yell, Aggie Ring, Honoring the Deceased, Yells, Elephant Walk, Privileged Words, Asking for Luck...I could go on.

Pick a freakin lane.

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• Most famous alum sucked in the NFL and went to rehab. Johnathan Paul Manziel is perhaps the biggest Heisman disappointment in recent years. Drafted 22nd overall, Johnny’s run and gun antics that helped propel him to the Heisman did little in the NFL. After less than two years, the former Aggie star ran into load of issues, including stints in rehab. Now Manziel can be found throwing interceptions in the star studded Canadian Football League.

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• Reveille the dog is habitually mistreated. Just look at that poor thing. She’s being paraded around like a piece of meat. The collar and leash are obviously too tight and cutting off circulation forcing her to pant for air. It’s in the middle of September and she is forced to wear that ugly Aggie maroon smock. Her handler is even wearing gloves. She literally has no human contact. You ought to be ashamed Aggie nation.

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• The state of Texas is overrated. Yes I said it. I know I’m not the only one who thinks this. What do you have that the rest of the country doesn’t? Whataburgers and the death penalty? Bigger is not always better. (ahem...Kyle Field SEC record...ahem)
• I swear they are a cult. Everyone seems to be friendly but like in a creepy way. They call themselves the 12th Man. There’s a lot of swaying back and forth and yelling. It’s almost spiritual. The men in white do weird things with their hands and yell at crowds of underage students drinking and shouting. They are up past midnight practicing going to a game. They say howdy. They participate in elephant walks. I get it. Texas A&M has a huge military history. But they shove it down everyone’s throat with the band, the corps, the clothes. It’s a freakin cult.

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• The 12th Man is sexist. I for one am triggered. How dare they exclude women from the 12th Man. Women of Texas stand up and fight for equality in College Station! #12thperson

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• College Station is a garbage college town. I would barely even call it a “college town.” There are over 100,000 people in College Station. And if you include nearby Bryan, TX it jumps to about 250,000 people. I would call it a garbage college city. Tell me one good thing about it because all I hear is the negative. I bet they have two Sonics and no Target. Even your precious Johnny Manziel hates it.
• Texas A&M is barely in the SEC. Texas A&M became a member of the SEC in 2012. Yes they are our maroon and white brethren but let’s get real here. Texas A&M is barely an SEC member. They got tired of getting whipped by Texas every year so they jumped ship to a bigger, better, and sexier ship. They don’t deserve full membership benefits yet. I wish there was a probationary period for a decade until you earned the right to be a SEC member.

• The Aggies have no rival. I bet most Texas A&M fans would tell you that their biggest rival would be the Texas Longhorns. However, now that the schools are in separate conferences that has put a hold on the “rivalry.” Upon closer inspection Texas and Texas A&M are not rivals. The series has to be close in order to be a rivalry. Texas has a slight 76-37 edge all time over the Aggies. They have played the small private Texas schools like TCU and Baylor. But would one be proud to call them rivals? Maybe Texas Tech? Sure let’s go with that one. The Texas Tech Red Raiders are Texas A&M biggest rival. Go back to the Big 12 please and let the big boys play the real rivalry games in November.

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• Texas A&M is paying a guy $75,000,000 to finish no better than 3rd in the West every year. Jimbo signed the single richest contract in College Football History. He is set to make $75 million over 10 years. I’ll say it again. $75,000,000 over 10 years...to coach football. That’s $7.5 million a year, second behind only Nick Saban at Alabama. Let’s break that down even further. Assuming they are 12 games in a season (not including a potential bowl game), Jimbo will make $625,000 a game, $156,250 a quarter, and $10,416.67 per minute of game time. Hey Jimbo, good luck finishing 3rd in the SEC West every year behind any duo of Alabama, LSU, Auburn, and Mississippi State.

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• The Aggies are not very good at football. Despite all the money and facilities that God has blessed them with the Aggies are simply not that good at football. Texas A&M should be the type of program that competes for National Championships. But this squad underperfroms every single year. Mississippi State has won 3 out of 4, and without Johnny Football maybe have only 1 loss to the Aggies since they joined the SEC.
• BONUS: One reason why Texas A&M is the best. They gave us the Snow Bowl. Enjoy.

Hail State Always