clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Reasons Why Ole Miss is the Worst

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty, Who The Hell Are We? I’m not sure. Maybe Colonels, Rebels, Black Bears, or Landsharks.

Texas v Mississippi Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Oxford is just another college town. Oxford repeatedly comes up as a picturesque college town in the south. But if you are a true southerner then you know that Oxford is no different than pretty much every other college town. They have a cool square with restaurants and bars. They tailgate in an area with a lot of trees. What separates Oxford from the masses? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Bow ties and boat shoes don’t belong exclusively to Ole Miss. I wear bow ties to weddings. I wear boat shoes occasionally. These items do not belong to Ole Miss. Sure, they’ve taken these items and made them frat-tastic. But I’m not giving in to the red machine. No one dictates what I wear, even the fashionistas in Oxford.

There is no true identity within the fanbase. First they had Colonel Reb. Then they realized that was racist. They voted and became the Black Bears. A few years after that they decided to become Landsharks. But technically they are still called the Ole Miss Rebels? I don’t get it.

SEC Men’s Basketball Tournament
Alabama v Mississippi Photo by Joe Murphy/Getty Images
NCAA Football: Mississippi at Texas Tech Thomas B. Shea-USA TODAY Sports

The Grove is a place with tall trees and grass where you tailgate. If you’ve never been tailgating in SEC country and the Grove was the first place you hit up then yea it would be amazing. They tailgate in a tree shaded area with grass. It’s fairly close to the stadium. A lot of people are eating and drinking and having a good time. I just described every SEC school except for maybe Vanderbilt. The Grove is not special even though they try so hard to make it seem like it is.

Ole Miss fans are simply pretentious. That’s probably the best one word summarization that I can come up with. They think Oxford is the greatest college town in the country. Because they were good in the 1950’s and 1960’s they still think they’re relevant. News flash, you’re not. You’re serving a bowl ban. Matt Luke is your head coach. You have no depth at any position.

I swear when they put on their powder blue polos they think their wallet gets thicker and they suddenly know French wine regions. It’s that “holier than thou” attitude that gets me. Guess what? Your shit stinks too.

Ole Miss is not good at football. I always hear about how good Ole Miss is from the Clarion Ledger but Mississippi State has finished above Ole Miss in the SEC standings 8 out of the past 9 years. And this is with players that they cheated to get. Imagine if they played by the rules?

Ole Miss fans dress better for football games than to church. Talk about your priorities being out of whack. It’s not their fault though. They’re still hungover the next morning after partying in the Grove and not going to the game.

There are too many Ole Miss fans where I live. This reason is more on a personal note but I live in Memphis, which is approximately a little more than an hour from Oxford. This makes Memphis a hotbed for Ole Miss fans. On the back of every BMW is a stupid Ole Miss sticker. In every law firm you’ll see Cole Haans and Ole Miss Yeti ramblers. Memphis doesn’t need this many over-privileged, boat shoe wearing doctors and lawyers.

Ole Miss cheats. We all know it. I don’t want to beat a dead horse. Here’s a link to most of the violations. I’ll list a few for your reading pleasure.

  • Boosters paid recruits with cash.
  • Assistant coaches “fixed” ACT scores.
  • Boosters paid family members of recruits with cash.
  • Players got help with car loans.
  • Boosters that owned restaurants and stores gave stuff away.
  • Ole Miss paid for player’s family hotel room.

Laremy Tunsil is in the NFL. He lost millions of dollars in a matter of minutes by having his social media accounts hacked. They showed him smoking off a gas mask and he later admitted to being paid by Ole Miss coaches. This is what Ole Miss does. They pay for players. This is not a one time occurrence.

Ole Miss purposefully broke Nick Fitzgerald’s ankle. Seriously, go look at highlights. No one tackles forearm first multiple times.

Ole Miss still hasn’t won the SEC West. We are still waiting Ole Miss. I guess money can only take you so far up the SEC West standings.

“It’s not tailgating it’s groving.” I have heard this from multiple Ole Miss fans. Get over yourself.

Ole Miss claims intellectual superiority. Why? Because William Faulkner had a house in Oxford? I guess that means everyone in Oxford has literary prowess and is smart as heck. Gollee! Ole Miss has a medical school. Mississippi State doesn’t. Every doctor I’ve ever met is super smart and not at all addicted to pain killers and their own vanity. Ole Miss has a law school. Mississippi State doesn’t. Show me an honest lawyer and I’ll show you a two liars. College degrees do not decide intellectual superiority. It might decide whose daddy has more money though.

Ole Miss players throw up the landshark when they are not good. If you’re Alabama and you’re showboating, so be it. You have earned that right. But to throw up the landshark after a sack is pointless when your dead last in the SEC in: rush yards allowed, pass yards allowed, number of plays, total yards allowed, yards/play, and yards/game. This defense is abysmal and has no right to celebrate anything.

The best Ole Miss baseball team in history couldn’t beat a mediocre State team. Ole Miss got so excited thinking that they were good. It’s just so cute. Now go back to your crappy high school bleacher stadium and throw natty light on each other. Y’all are just too much!

There is no student support. Just look at the student section on a game day. It is an 11am kickoff but it is still an SEC game. I guess the students are busy winning at partying in the grove. Pathetic.

Most Ole miss students are from out of state. They were too dumb to get into UT Austin so they moved east to Oxford with Daddy’s credit card. Now this isn’t entirely true but nearly 60% of incoming students are from Mississippi. This means that the “flagship” university in the state has almost half of its students from out of state? I petition the name “Ole Miss” to be changed to “UT Oxford.”

It’s the last home game of the year for Ole Miss and they are offering BOGO free tickets. This is almost as bad as Kentucky fans getting free tickets in Walmart parking lots.

Ole Miss gave us The Blindside.

Marshall “White Chocolate” Henderson epitomizes Ole Miss. It’s annoying, confident, and lacks any ethics or character. Henderson was charged with using counterfeit money to buy marijuana and positively tested for cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol. All of this happened prior to him playing for Ole Miss. But Ole Miss knew he could play basketball so why not let him play. Ole Miss goes for gold.

SEC Basketball Tournament - Second Round Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Every single Ole Miss quarterback is a criminal. Bo Wallace likes to drive drunk. Chad Kelly like to fight club bouncers, high school football players, and also enjoys trespassing on Denver suburban homes. Jeremiah Masoli steals laptops and smokes weed. Ole Miss football ladies and gentleman.

Chik-fil-A Peach Bowl - Mississippi v TCU Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images
Auburn v Mississippi Photo by Butch Dill/Getty Images
Ole Miss v Alabama Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Rebel Rags sued a totally innocent Leo Lewis. Poor Leo Lewis was just a student trying to get an education and play the game that he loved. Then all of a sudden the corporate entity called Rebel Rags decided to go after a young man, Dan Mullen, Scott Stricklin, the NCAA, and the United States of America. This is indicative of how Ole Miss solves problems. Throw lawsuits at everything and everyone until something sticks. I guess it’s good they have a law school in Oxford.

Here’s to the Egg Bowl trophy coming back to Starkville. Hail State Always.