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Reasons Why the University of Florida is the Worst

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Childhood obesity. Jean shorts. Crime Sprees. Hello University of Florida.

Florida v Georgia Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images
  • The Gators are a poor man’s version of the Bulldogs. Mississippi State is hickory smoked pork shoulder while Florida is canned tuna with Kraft BBQ sauce. The Bulldogs are Glenfiddich 50 Year Old Whiskey while Florida is Burnett’s Coconut Flavored Vodka. Mississippi State had Scott Stricklin in his prime. He was younger, more motivated, and hungry to deliver top notch facilities in Starkville. He delivered. What has Scott done in his 2 years at Florida? Fired a football coach and hired his 3rd choice. Florida also has Dan Mullen. Mullen accomplished a lot at Mississippi State. He helped develop a culture of winning where winning was tough. Florida has been up and down for years in a division that has been down for years. Is Dan really the guy to change that? I don’t think so. Florida is simply trying too hard to be like Mississippi State. Sucks to suck.
  • Florida has dragged recent graduates off stage for dancing. Last summer during the May 2018 Commencement Ceremony, 21 students were physically pushed off the stage after dancing to celebrate their recent graduation. The university has apologized to each student after being accused of racism. I thought Gainesville was a hip, welcoming college town that not only allowed dancing but celebrated it. I suggest the Florida Gator student body take a page from Kevin Bacon in their right in defending dancing.
  • From 2009 to 2014 no one had more athletes that were crime suspects than the Florida Gators. Recruiting students with morals and ethics must not be an important factor when coming to Gainesville. Can you dunk a basketball? Can you catch touchdown passes? Come on down and become a Florida Gator where at one time 24% of football and basketball players were involved in crimes.
  • When people leave Florida, they become more successful. Maybe it’s in the brown swampy water but once you leave Gainesville everything becomes better. Steve Spurrier left and built a consistent winner at South Carolina, kept wearing visors, and is now a head coach in professional football. Urban Meyer left Florida for a better job and won a national championship. Will Grier sucked at Florida but is now a Heisman contender. Cam Newton sat on the bench at Florida. Goes to Auburn. Wins a national championship. Wins a Heisman. My advice? Go to Florida and then leave.
  • Gainesville is not safe. Don’t live there. Gainesville is safer than only 7% of the cities in the US. You have a 1 in 149 chance of being the victim of a violent crime and a 1 in 25 chance of being the victim of a property crime. Good luck not having your car or home broken into.
  • Florida is America’s basement. It’s wet and moldy. Weird stuff grows down there. The insects seem to be bigger. It’s hard to get to. It’s where old people live.
  • Florida gave us Creed. Enjoy below.
Scott Stapp Performs At The Joint In Las Vegas Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images
  • The chomp is discriminatory. The infamous two handed chomp can only be performed by individuals with two working arms and hands. What about those who are less fortunate and are not fully able bodied individuals? The chomp excludes certain individuals and is not inclusive. How dare you Florida? I’m offended and triggered.
NCAA Football: Louisiana State at Florida Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports
  • The University of Florida is the leading cause of obesity in the United States of America. Invented in 1965 at the University of Florida, Gatorade was made due to Florida Gator athletes falling ill after strenuous exercise in the heat. Although Gatorade was originally intended for athlete consumption, today most drinkers are average people and children. Gatorade is the leading cause of tooth decay in children. It is also a major cause of childhood obesity due to a high calorie count. Gatorade is simply an unhealthy drink. Thank you Florida, for fattening our children, rotting their teeth, and charging me $3.00 for 20 oz. of watered down fake juice. We all know that water is better.
Tennessee v Florida Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images

The Florida vs Tennessee rivalry is the most overrated in all of college football. I’m told at one point this was the biggest game of the year in all of college football. Peyton Manning, Danny Wuerffel, Philip Fulmer, Steve Spurrier. These men were legends in the game. Today, it’s Jeremy Pruitt vs Dan Mullen. Yawn. No one outside of the SEC really cares about this game between two bottom tier SEC east teams. The game is irrelevant. The most fun part of this rivalry is actually one of my favorite drinking games. Take a drink every time the announcers mention: Peyton Manning, Tim Tebow, Steve Spurrier, or Philip Fulmer. I never make it to halftime and I’m grateful.

South Carolina Gamecocks v Tennessee Volunteers Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Hail State Always