*Trigger Warning: This is an article written completely and totally as satire (well, maybe), and anything written here is only written for a slight grin and maybe a small belly laugh*
Piscataway, New Jersey.
A cool breeze runs through Joe Moorhead’s brows. He is sitting in a chair on the front porch of his brand-new, scarlet colonial-style home.
Life is good there, especially with the stress of the SEC behind him. He inherits a team that has won 8 games in 4 seasons. The pressure is gone and so are his days of being skinny. Piscataway dreamin’, man.
Here is why Joe Moorhead is the perfect man to lead the Rutgers to 8 win seasons for eternity:
For starters, Joe Moorhead looks like a man who would say he lives in Piscataway:
“Hey Joe, where are you living now?”
“You know it is kinda crazy... we moved to Piscataway a couple of summers ago. We really just love it there!”
And that he also looks like his favorite color is scarlet:
“Yeah man, we live in that scarlet house on the right. Yup, right there in the center of Piscataway!”
Joe Moorhead is way better than Greg Schiano:
It is no secret that Greg Schiano flamed out of the NFL, Joe Moorhead never flamed out of anything (not yet). He has scandal. And sure he has wins, but he literally went 28-48 in conference play in college, in the BIG EAST. And he has already been the coach at Rutgers before. You do not move backwards... you progress. Come on people!
Eight wins will actually be worshiped at Rutgers:
You really can’t mess up with Rutgers. Joe Moorhead won more games last season than the Rutgers have in the last four years. He does not have to deal with angry fans even if he wins 4 games! I mean, if you lose 56-23, that is actually better than losing 52-0. So it is a win-win for both parties.
Joe Moorhead loves New York Rappers, and New Jersey is like neighbors with New York:
Jay-Z, 2Pac, Nas, and Notorious B.I.G are all some of Joe’s favorite rappers. They all are from New York, which is kind of like New Jersey’s dad. I mean why wouldn’t he want to be close to his music maker’s home... it is kind of like a win-win, again.
The Rutger’s marketing team could do so much Moor things with Joe than they could with a guy named Greg.
The possibilities are endless. Moor marketing, Moor wins, and Moor everything really. It is looking Moor and Moor like Joe just needs to go to Rutgers.
We would not take it personal, in matter of fact, we would applaud you.
Business is business. If you have to take him... I mean, we will understand. Sure, we will be devastated, but we would love to help out the less fortunate.
To Rutgers University, we wish you the best... and Moor wins than you could ever dream of...(which probably is not many).