It was an amazing week in the Southeastern Conference, and unfortunately I don’t mean that in a positive way. I cannot recall a week where the SEC as a whole gave off an appearance as weak as this past week, especially in the East. This is my third year doing this and it was the worst week EVER! Tennessee, South Carolina and Missouri, if I had known you were trying to get into the NCAA’s “Bottom 10.” I would have picked the really bad teams that you lost to. I think we can safely say that there are now five fan bases that are no longer optimistically looking to bowl season. The only consolation I have is that I don’t consider point spreads and I don’t bet. If I did, life would have been tough last week. I do it for fun, and it usually is.
Now, it is week 2 and new possibilities abound. It is time to, once again, look inside the crystal ball and see what visions appear. Sometimes I even see them correctly.
West Virginia @ Missouri: The Mountaineers hosted royalty from James Madison last week and treated them like the “Dukes” they were before dispensing them 20-13. Kelly Bryant and his Tigers underestimated the roping skills of a bunch of Cowboys last week and couldn’t extract themselves before the bell had rung.
The Mountaineers march into Columbia this week looking to bag and skin the Wildcats before their rope burns can heal from last week’s near lynching. Barry Odom got his Cats back to the den and has worked to heal the wounds and sharpen their claws so they can pounce on and shred any stranger in camp before their fur is ruffled again. Bryant and his fellow felines intend to feed this week before another of their nine lives is lost.
T-Dawg’s Winner: Missouri 45 – 28
Charleston Southern @ South Carolina: Muschamp was missing several of his yard-birds when he unloaded the poultry cages back at the farm Saturday night. He thought they would escape the chicken frying contest, which Mack Brown had graciously invited them to be the special guest at. It took a while for Muschamp to realize they weren’t guests and couldn’t gather his feathered friends and leave fast enough. Many in the Tar Heels’ encampment were licking the chicken grease off their fingers when Muschamp looked back in the truck mirrors.
Bucky’s Buccaneers plan on ordering chicken plates to go when they pass through Columbia this weekend. If Muschamp intends to stay in the poultry farming business, he better hope he can get his true freshman QB up to speed before they lay another egg.
T-Dawg’s Winner: South Carolina 24 – 13
Vanderbilt @ Purdue: Jeff Brohm’s Boilermakers derailed when a pack of Wolves swarmed the tracks in front of them out west. He has tried to repair the locomotive since arriving back in West Lafayette. Derek Mason and his Commodores are planning to sail into town after a pack of rabid dogs took over Mason’s own shipyard last week, making it a sea of red while doing fatal damage to multiple ships. It is hard knowing your own house is being sold out from under you.
Mason hopes to loot some gold in West Lafayette and take it back to Nashville to help build more badly needed ironclads for his sailors. The Commodores will run a strong risk of finding their anchor chained to a train they can’t move and the situation hopeless.
T-Dawg’s Winner: Purdue 31 – 23
No. 12 Texas A&M @ No. 1 Clemson: Jimbo and Dabo both got a game in early then sat back and watched others stumble all over themselves last week. Reveille knows that she must have her senses at an all-time high in the first journey to Death Valley this year. Her attack and response to attacks will have to be swift and decisive or the deadly claws and teeth of Dabo’s Tigers will spell certain death.
Trevor Lawrence will not be happy Saturday when he has to get off his surfboard and come in from the beach to deal with dog poo on the practice field. Jimbo knows he will need all 12 doggies scattering litter in order to confuse the kittens long enough to cage the dangerous Tigers but he went ahead and made a call to “Pilots N Paws” requesting they be on standby for a full scale rescue.
T-Dawg’s Winner: Clemson 40 – 24
N. Mexico St. @ No. 2 Alabama: It took the big red elephants a little while to get out of the trailer and into the performance ring last week, but once they did, them little Blue Devils were running out of the tent before they were mistaken for peanuts. Next on the demolition list is the Aggies, fresh off their latest national ranking (https://www.espn.com/college-football/story/_/page/bottom082819/the-preseason-bottom-10-ready-do-worst ). Saban does a lot to aid those who have less. so he will encourage the Crimson Tide to do all they can to solidify the Aggies’ ranking while letting the “Baby Tide” get their feet wet again.
T-Dawg’s Winner: Alabama 59 – 6
Murray St. @ No. 3 Georgia: The Racers of Murray State got their season headed in the right direction last week when they hosted (Are you ready to laugh?) the Pikeville Bears (NAIA school). They wasted little time in dispensing the powerless Bear cubs 59–20. Kirby took a smart pill last week just to be sure his Dawgs would know just how to sink the Commodores.
This week Smart plans to give one of his pills to his quarterback Jake Fromm, who is still trying to learn the names of all his new receivers. He has two more weeks to get them memorized. One of the best ways is to throw the ball around with each of them, and this Saturday will be a great chance to do a lot of that. He can stand back and watch the Racers run after them up and down the field as he teaches a lesson to the Racers, “What goes around, comes around.”
T-Dawg’s Winner: Georgia 49 – 3
BYU @ Tennessee: The Cougars come to Knoxville, Tennessee hungry for any food they can pilfer. To be a Cougar, you must go on successful missions to strange lands. Knoxville is the mission field this week and the Mormons are more than ready to knock in a few doors.
Jeremy Pruitt found out last week that his latest army of Volunteers doesn’t wear orange very well. They’re more suited for yellow. He couldn’t find enough rifleman willing to stand and fight to resemble the Alamo. It was extremely disheartening and indicated a time for soul-searching. If the search hasn’t produced some real answers, then Fort Knoxville will be taken over by the insurgent missionaries. Hold your breath Volunteers........
T-Dawg’s Winner: Tennessee 23 -21
No. 6 LSU @ #No. 9 Texas: Coach “O” had his Bayou Bengals in step Saturday night in Baton Rouge. There wasn’t much they missed, as they toyed with the Eagles rolling around in the grass letting them flap a wing at times before administering the kill.
Tom Herman is trying to sell his herd that the Longhorns are back and ready to rise to the top, trampling everybody in the way. They say everything is bigger in Texas, even the dreams. Bevo has dreams of being the star this year, but “Big Baby” Orgeron plans to use his big cats to get the cowhide he needs for a pair of Mercedes boots and a set of Texas Longhorns to go over his mantle. Somebody’s dream goes bust in Austin.
T-Dawg’s Winner: LSU 30 – 24
UT Martin @ No. 11 Florida: The Skyhawks aren’t a migratory species and although it is still extremely warm an inner time clock tells them to gather all they can for cold days ahead. While flying over the Swamp in Gainesville the Skyhawks will be looking to stock up on a meal of gator eggs but Mullenex knows they are coming and has been preparing traps.
Feleipe (Frankfurter) will try to get his act back together as much as he can but if he can’t then Mullenex could go to a youth movement named Emory Jones to aid in keeping him from the new political word “portal” and give him a quick lesson in grabbing birds out of the air. If it works out right Mullenex may start his own line of feather-stuffed pillows.
T-Dawg’s Winner: Florida 45 – 13
Tulane @ No. 10 Auburn: As soon as Gus walked into his Waffle House Sunday morning he grinned like an opossum and did his “BOOM”. Bo Nicks believes he has been destined for moments like Saturday ever since Cam annointed him on the head as a small boy. Gus knows good times don’t last very long sometimes but he plans on kicking his heels up another week or two at least.
Tulane coach Willie Fritz brings his Green Wave to the Auburn Plains Saturday looking for a signature win for his Greenies. Fritz hopes to catch the Tigers still in celebration mode and produce a tidal wave that hasn’t been seen in Auburn before. Don’t look for Bo to be scared of no algae bloom in the water. That loud sucking sound will be coming from when Bo pulls the plug on the Green Wave.
T-Dawg’s Winner: Auburn 48 – 0
Eastern Michigan @ Kentucky: A flock of Eagles will attempt to take up roost in Lexington this week and feed in the pastures before heading to an appointment in Champaign next week. Their stomachs are full after feeding on one of the “bottom ten” in anticipation of the middle stop in their three game road swing.
Coach Stoops was none too happy with the way his Mild-Cats sporadically shot down missiles last week and has ordered some easier targets to bring down this week. Quarterback Terry Wilson kept Big Blue going in the general right direction but many glaring missteps occurred along the way. There is an urgency to get all of the Cats’ reflexes working in unison before Mullenex brings his Gator farm to town and life on the farm gets much tougher. Chances are there will be a lot of green feathers scattered around the field this Saturday.
T-Dawg’s Winner: Kentucky 31 – 16
Arkansas @ TSUN: The Razorbacks were successful in slightly mauling a small army of Vikings in the outskirts of Fayetteville. Now, Chad Morris (I remembered) is taking his porkers over to Oxford in a whole line of livestock haulers. There will be no mistaking the smell of PIG before they even arrive if the wind blows eastward.
Luke’s Minnows could hardly manage to break out of the see-through plastic Walmart bags they came in once they arrived in Memphis. It was evident that the only difference between this year and last year was that the offense has now become worse than the defense. Rakeem Boyd knows this game could determine who decorates the SEC West cellar. There will be a lot of tears in this one, some tears of how bad they are and some tears of laughter at someone worse than they are. Which is worse? The smell of Pig or the smell of rotting Minnows? Forgive me for hopefully calling out the worst smell in this one.
T-Dawg’s Winner: TSUN 32 – 27
Southern Miss (USM) @ Miss. State: An in-state rivalry is renewed for now at least and to me, that is a good thing. It is about neighborhood kids playing football in the back yard for bragging rights. Some will say no these games shouldn’t happen but personally I think it is much better than playing Division II schools or Slippery Rock University. This will be the 30th MSU versus USM game. The “series” is even 14-14-1 with State winning the last four.
This Saturday (Sept. 7th) will be five years since we lost the great Jack Cristil, the “Voice of the Bulldogs” for 58 years. He started calling State games for $25/ game and gave $15 of that to his spotter and stat man. He called State games out of his love for Mississippi State. For many of us old-timers we will always remember him calling games we couldn’t see on television because there wasn’t much coverage of the SEC and certainly not of Miss. State. He kept us connected in all corners of the state and country and world. He made the games come alive for those of us who couldn’t attend for various reasons. Many of us sat around the kitchen table listening, or out in the fields taking long breaks to hear each half or perhaps sitting in our truck off the road wherever we could pick up the network radio call. He made us feel like we were there right beside him. He will be forever remembered and credited with the phrase repeated after each victory. “Wrap This One in Maroon and White”. When you listen, watch or attend the game this weekend, pause for a few moments, close your eyes, concentrate and listen to the voice of the great one in your mind as he bleeds Maroon and White with us for eternity. We Miss you Jack, hope you enjoy the game and we’ll repeat with you Saturday when this one is over, “Wrap This One in Maroon and White”.
Players on neither team may know how much this game does mean, not to the world but to us. I believe that Tommy Stevens, Kylin Hill, Erroll Thompson and every Maroon wearing Dawg will be breathing fire for this one and will play with controlled emotion. It will be hot as the devil’s breath so it will take every single Dawg playing together and lifting each other up to produce a Mustard Buzzard pasting. Coach JoMo, we need you to really buy in this week and show some passion against a state rival who use to drive us nuts and we have to live with every day. It’s nice when two old rivals get together and share some memories but then comes a time to get up and make them Buzzards EAT DIRT!
I hope this one is as fun as I think it might be.
T-Dawg’s Winner: Miss. State 41 – 20
Listen and remember Jack Cristil: