Roasting Razorbacks: StarkVegas Style

It was tremendous being able to watch Southeastern Conference football again and feel the emotions flow. It was literally good for the soul to see the game many of us love so much being played again. We just wish that the full game day environment can return soon. All teams struggled at times as they tried to get the rust off after being held to strict limitations for months. Some teams will still be searching for answers in many areas in Week 2 while others will seek to sharpen skills identified in the first week of play. While watching and cheering for teams as they played, I think we all felt free from some of the burdens we have had to endure, at least until the game ended.

Week 1 in the SEC is in the books while Week 2 lies dead ahead. I’m off to StarkVegas Friday to visit friends and share memories with them. It will be great to be back to visit dear old Mississippi State again. You see, for those of us that call ourselves alumni of some school, going back to visit is like being back in time to a place we grew up and found ourselves. How sweet it will be.

South Carolina @ Florida

Will Muschamp tried to protect his little chicks against the band of soldiers that came through Columbia, South Carolina, scavenging for food before heading back to Knoxville, Tennessee. The hide-and-seek game worked for a while but ultimately the Volunteers fried them. Now Muschamp has loaded the chicken truck and heads out to visit Gainesville, Florida. When the Gamecocks look for a spot to stop and drink a little water. Hopefully someone is smart enough to check for Gators in the water first.

The Gators swam into Oxford, Mississippi, where they found their hands full with them sardines darting everywhere. Once they got together and cornered those powder blue miniature fish, feeding was no problem. When Mullen got his scaly friends back home and settled down, he explained that he had ordered up a more sizable appetizer for the next gathering. When the word Yardbirds was mentioned, the Gators began to swarm all over each in excited anticipation of filling their jaws and bellies.

If Muschamp can’t teach his Gamecocks how to roost in nearby trees and fast, there will be nothing left except a few white feathers flickering in the wind and Gators laying in the sun while their chicken dinner settles in their stomachs.

T-Dawg’s Winner: Florida 42-13

Missouri @ Tennessee

The Missouri Tigers couldn’t put together a dependable live trap for those red elephants, so delivering a welcoming gift for Coach Drinkwitz wasn’t possible this past Saturday. After the loss, Drinkwitz loaded his circus train for a trip to Knoxville, Tennessee, where they have to perform this week. The Tigers will try to sharpen their claws so they can shred any hunters they might meet prowling around the Marble City while the gift shopping continues.

The Volunteers took turns picking off chicken heads last week and found their aim was sharper than last year. Gamecocks are not nearly as threatening as the wildlife about to unload in Knoxville seeking to maul the Volunteers. Drinkwitz’s Cats will have no problem identifying their prey because of the hunter orange the Volunteers wear. Coach Pruitt will stand firm knowing his riflemen have been trained to fire in unison and with precision so they can repel any invading critters. After the Mizzou Tigers catch enough of a lead from them Tennessee longrifles, they will run over each other heading back west while a loud chorus of “Rocky Top” breaks out among Pruitt’s boys. Sorry, Drinkwitz, it will be close but no welcoming gift this week either.

T-Dawg’s Winner: Tennessee 28-21

Texas A&M @ Alabama

Coach Fisher’s Aggies had a difficult time holding the fort against the Commodores. The Aggie cadets took the upper hand against the attacking ships who had several shots that produced major damage. Standing firm and forcing Mason’s naval force to withdraw was much tougher than expected for Fisher. The Aggies will have to devise a better attack plan when they head to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, on Saturday.

Nick Saban had his herd of red elephants ready to stampede when he unloaded them in Missouri. The black and gold Tigers made the mistake of scratching one of the youngsters, which caused the rest of the herd to respond in anger. After sounding loud blasts through their trunks and tossing several Tigers around, there wasn’t much fight left. The same treatment awaits Reveille and her Aggie friends when they come calling. When Saban’s pachyderms began to trample Reveille’s friends, they will head back to Texas with their tails between their legs.

T-Dawg’s Winner: Alabama 38-13

TSUN @ Kentucky

Lane Kiffin had his team dressed in their best preppy clothes to welcome Mullen back to Mississippi for a visit. The Fish showed all of their best moves in hopes of mesmerizing the Gators but couldn’t produce a single eye-catching move on defense. Now the “Lane Train” will head up to Lexington, Kentucky, to see if their “Superman’s Trainer” dance has a better result with the bluegrass boys.

Mark Stoops had hoped to get off on the right foot with a win down on the plains of Auburn, but instead, his Cats weren’t paying attention when someone tied their tails together. Stoops was frustrated watching his youngsters trip all over themselves most of the afternoon. As soon as he got back home, he had intense swatting practice to avoid a repeat performance against some smelly fish. Stoops knows he has to derail the “Lane Train” or things may get extremely uncomfortable. The Wildcats hope to make every swipe count as they shred and can Kiffin’s fish.

T-Dawg’s Winner: Kentucky 30-27

Auburn @ Georgia

The Auburn Tigers survived an attack by some lesser furry felines last Saturday. It wasn’t always pretty, but the new litter box lasted just long enough. Bo and his furry friends are heading over to Athens, Georgia, on the new Gus Bus for the Zombie Farms Haunted Trail. There are dangers hiding all along the way so it is a good thing cats have nine lives.

Kirby Smart had a difficult time getting his dogs to perform as trained last week in Fayetteville, Arkansas. It is imperative that a new alpha dog steps up to take charge and get his canine troop to attack when prompted. Smart knows that a huge test is looming down the road so getting his pups fine tuned on some felines could pay dividends soon. For now, Smart’s canines will spread out along the Trail and provide plenty of frightening scares to Gus and company.

T-Dawg’s Winner: Georgia 24-13

LSU @ Vanderbilt

The Bengal Tigers opened a very different kind of season in a very different way that they are not so used to. While there is certainly no shortage of talent in Baton Rouge, the question may be, can the coaching match the talent? Hopefully, Baby “O” can get his Cajun felines back on track when he takes them for a mini vacation to Music City. Once there, Orgeron plans to mix in a couple of hoedowns while humbling the Commodores.

Derek Mason’s naval cadets used their cannons effectively Saturday in College Station, Texas, but there just weren’t enough batteries to blast the Aggies into submission. Meanwhile, back home this week as practice began for the Commodores, they looked up into the stands to find that the LSU board people had already secured seats all around them. Mason and his Commodores will have no secrets Saturday since the board people have been sending back plenty of video all week. Mason expects life vests to be delivered pregame for his cadets.

T-Dawg’s Winner: LSU 38-14

Arkansas @ Mississippi State

The Razorbacks turned the page to a new chapter last week when they tested their emerging tusks in defense against Smart’s dog pack. While Pitman’s porkers couldn’t keep the dogs at bay, they did manage to get a couple of bites in. The Razorback faithful hope battling dogs will help with recognition, but the Piglets will have to battle a pack of really blood-thirsty Dawgs this week, and in the Dawg’s yard this time.

Notice was served last week in Baton Rouge by a Pirate and his pack of Pirate Dawgs that a price will be paid for not giving proper respect. Enthusiasm is running high for the “Pirate Way of Life” as the Dawgs ready themselves to sail again, but this time they’ll be within the confines of Davis Wade Stadium. Leach will instruct his mateys to give no quarter, causing Hill and Costello to begin leading all their hearties in loud unison, “Yo-ho blow the man down,” as they set about keelhauling the Razorbacks.

T-Dawg’s Winner: Mississippi State 55–17

Arrgh! I am so ready for another weekend of SEC football! My picks are in. How about yours?

HAIL STATE!!!!!