Last year, we took a stab at predicting what every SEC head football coach would eat for lunch from the Galleria Mall's dining options. The Galleria, where the annual SEC Media Days is held, features a wide variety of options to choose from for a widely diverse group of coaches. When I revisited last year's predictions, it was hard to waver from some of them as the coaches return again this year, but we'll take a stab at some new predictions just to freshen things up a bit.
Nick Saban, Alabama
2013 - Nick Saban eats a Chicken Caesar wrap from Great Wraps, actually enjoys it, doesn't smile.
This year - Saban's Alabama Crimson Tide are currently on a two game losing streak, so there's hardly any time for down time and little pleasures such as "eating". After the Oklahoma loss, two rogue UAB doctors retrofitted Saban's body with a permanent IV of Dreamland sauce and goat's milk, which gives coach sustenance. Additionally, this mixture had unknown side effects, which have allowed coach to work 23 hours a day and rest just one hour. He's one step closer to #15, roll tide.
Bret Bielema, Arkansas
2013 - Ruby Tuesday for Bret, where he orders the Jack Daniels Barbeque Burger with large fries. Don't worry about a drink, Bret brought his own [reveals own bottle of Jack Daniels, mixes drink]
This year - After being banned from the Ruby Tuesday last year for refusing to abide with the "no shoes, no shirt" policy, Bielema is likely headed to Johnny Rockets to see if anyone has broken his 16 milkshakes in 20 minutes record from 2002.
Guz Malzahn, Auburn
2013 - Manchu Wok, where he orders the combo plate with extra Tiger sauce, because he's contractually obligated to be ALL IN.
This year - Last year's lunch was the start of what was a magical season, so this year the Auburn boosters aren't taking any chances with letting coach try something "new". Two Yellawood snipers will be set up discreetly outside the foot massage place to ensure that Malzahn orders the exact same way as 2013.
Will Muschamp, Florida
2013 - After becoming enraged that the McAlister's Express doesn't have chips and rotel, Will beats the manager senselessly, yelling "no, YOU can't have any nacho cheese, Mr. Muschamp."
This year - After a 4-8 season, it's safe to say that Muschamp is still as angry as ever, except this time he's planning to be nicer since he's also going to be dropping off a resume.
Mark Richt, Georgia
2013 - Chick-Fil-A. I don't know why, but this just seems like a match made in conservative chicken sandwich heaven.
This year - Back to Chick-Fil-A. His sensible dining choices are the only things that haven't been suspended by Coach Richt.
Mark Stoops, Kentucky
2013 - wherever the majority of the other coaches go.
This year - Steve Spurrier tricked Stoops into thinking they'd all meet at the Hoover Taco Bell, so Stoops will just sit in the parking lot for eight hours waiting.
Les Miles, LSU
2013 - Sarku Japan. An off-the-wall choice for an off the wall coach. Also, Les picks Sarku because he's convinced himself it means "Thank You" in Japanese, and he wants to thank Japan for saving our planet in from Godzilla by purchasing a large Spicy Tuna roll with extra eel sauce.
This year - After thwarting an attempted robbery Mr. Magoo-style on his last visit to the restaurant, Miles eats for free for life at Sarku Japan. He is also the new ambassador to three South Pacific islands, although Les is focused on getting his meal down so he can conduct a 2 p.m. rappel down the side of the Wynfrey Hotel.
Gary Pinkel, Missouri
2013 - Bistro and Grill.
This year - After a fantastic 2013 season, Pinkel is taking things up a notch and having California Pizza Kitchen.
Dan Mullen, MSU
2013 - Sbarro. You don't pass up fine eye-tallyun eating when you have the chance.
This year - Sbarro for life, son.
Hugh Freeze, Ole Miss
2013 - [reaches in parking lot storm drain, catches 15 lb largemouth bass, walks into Bonefish Grill with said bass, cooks fish himself with dash of olive oil and lemon, feeds entire restaurant, four-5 stars and three moms commit on the spot].
This year - Ever-conscious of commitment, Freeze plans to head back to Bonefish when, at the last second, a better offer comes in from J. Alexander's.
Steve Spurrier, South Carolina
2013 - Shula's Steakhouse. Sure, he'll run late to his meeting because he's taking a long lunch and probably a round of golf afterwards, but those jabs at Clemson and Alabama's OOC schedule can wait until later, son [throws visor at Ribeye].
This year - "Why you are asking stupid questions about my lunch choices when you should be asking why this thing isn't held at Hilton Head every year?" - Steve Spurrier, eating a Shula's steak flown onto Phil Mickelson's yacht, which is parked at Lake Martin.
Butch Jones, Tennessee
2013 - [Spends four hours in the arcade, forgets to eat, gets mad at his mom on the way home because she wouldn't give him any more quarters].
This year - You may have won the battle, Mrs. Pacman, but you have not won the war.
Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M
2013 - Sumlin goes straight to Godiva, purchases a small sampler pack, opens that pack to realize that he actually purchased a dozen gold-plated Italian chocolate crèmes. Eats two crèmes, sells the rest to buy his own yacht called "Mark May Wishes".
This year - Sumlin is heading to the Farmer's Basket, when he accidentally trips over the foot of another shopper. That shopper turns out to be Warren Buffett, who offers to build Sumlin the first ever 200,000-seat domed stadium with chairbacks and Longhorn-shaped urinal cakes.
James Franklin, Vanderbilt - James Franklin goes to McDonalds, but is asked to leave just five minutes later after he begins yelling at customers not to anchor down their stomachs with those large greasy fries.
Derek Mason, Vanderbilt - New to the SEC Media Days frenzy, so has a smart, sensible chef's salad at McAlister's before he is unsuspectingly ripped apart by 4,000 AL.com staffers who want to ask smart-school pun-themed questions.