For those of us born with normal craniums, it can be hard to try to understand the mind of a criminal. Why do they steal? Why do they kill? Why do they do smooth things that inspire Michael Jackson songs? We may never understand the motivations behind some heinous crimes, and that includes one that took place in our very own Starkville, Mississippi yesterday.
In case you had not yet heard, someone on the campus of Mississippi State University on Monday walked up to star quarterback Dak Prescott, and promptly gave him a swift kick to the shin. Before Dak could even process what had happened to him, the perpetrator disappeared into the Student Health Center, no doubt to continue his rein of lower leg terror. While there have been no reports as to the identity of who this homicidal maniac is, we here at For Whom the Cowbell Tolls will not simply sit on the sidelines while the person who tried to
kill maim severely hinder our ground game remains free. No, we WILL investigate, and we will work endlessly to determine... Who Kicked Dak Prescott? (movie forthcoming, starring Dak Prescott as himself, and Angela Lansbury as cristilmethod)
As with any good investigation, we begin by formulating a list of the top suspects in the case. Who would be motivated to do such a thing? Who would gain the most from Dak's demise? The answer seems right in front of us, yet as far away as the endzone during the Croom era. We must press forward. We must attain justice.
Suspect: Tyler Russell
Background: record holding senior quarterback for the Mississippi State Bulldogs
Why he did it: After Russell sustained a head injury in the 2013 season opener, he was replaced by Prescott, who more than adequately served as his replacement. Prescott has since supplanted Tyler in the lineup as the starter at quarterback. Would Russell want his position back so badly that he would plot out such a crime, and carry it out in broad daylight on campus? Could the ugly world of quarterback on quarterback crime have descended on our quiet corner of north Mississippi?
Why he didn't do it: Russell has handled the replacement and subsequent quarterback battle in his final season with more class than most of us can even fathom. Even though it seems that he may stand to gain the most from Dak's downfall (/writes down name for emo band), it's hard to believe that a man who has withstood so much would break with just five or six games left in his career.
Suspect: Devon Bell
alleged Kicker at Mississippi State
Why he did it: Prescott holds for Bell, and given Bell's recent struggles, it could be possible that Devon blames his troubles on Prescott. LACES OUT, DAK!!!
Why he didn't do it: Bell is currently struggling to kick a football, which is roughly the size of a football, through a space as wide as, like three of Honey Boo Boo's momma. It's really hard to see him successfully carrying out an assassin-like attack with pinpoint accuracy on Dak's leg like the one we witnessed yesterday.
Suspect: Charlie Brown
Why he did it: Working the same angle as Devon Bell as a suspect, I looked into Dak's past as a football player. Turns out, Prescott shared time toting the rock on his Pee Wee football team with one celebrity that we might not have considered before as a candidate. Charlie Brown, who starred as the running back alongside Prescott on the same Pee Wee football team as youth, would seemingly have plenty of motivation to see Dak go down. According to sources familiar with the north Louisiana Pee Wee football scene, Prescott and fellow teammate Lucy devised a plan years ago to "pull one over" on ole Charlie Brown. Is there a chance that Charlie is still steaming from the plan Dak and Lucy enacted so many years ago? Seems very likely.
Why he didn't do it: Because he's a cartoon, and because he is assumedly quite busy this time of year gearing up for his annual Halloween special.
Suspect: Dylan Favre
Background: Former MSU quarterback, current UT-Martin quarterback
Why he did it: Prescott came in and immediately began to supplant Favre as the next in line for the throne of the MSU offense. Favre has gone on record in the past stating that all he wants is an opportunity, but an opportunity for what? To take down former teammates in an attempt to stage a coup and return to the MSU offense? This suspect may be a longshot, but like his time in Starkville, I'll make sure to intercept any down-field intentions Dylan may have of returning to the maroon and white.
Why he didn't do it: Reports indicate that Dylan has moved on from his tumultuous time in Starkville, and additional reports suggest that he has already received the offer to become the quarterbacks coach when his uncle, Brett, is named the new Southern Mississippi football coach in the next few weeks.
Suspect: Mark Hudspeth
Background: Head coach at Louisiana-Lafayette, former MSU offensive coordinator
Why he did it: If we're being honest with ourselves, there may not be a name on this list that benefits more from an injured Dak than Mark Hudspeth. Hudspeth's name has been white hot on the tongues of MSU fans lately, as many in the Bulldog nation have openly called for his hiring in the wake of another mediocre season behind Dan Mullen's leadership. With five games to go in the MSU season, what might help expedite Mullen's exodus from Starkville more than a five game losing streak caused by an injured star quarterback? Well played, Mr. Hudspeth, but you can't fool this old detective.
Why he didn't do it: Supposedly has an alibi that checks out that he was at practice all afternoon yesterday, although reports have surfaced of a strong smell of gumbo and abita in the vicinity of the crime yesterday afternoon.
After running down leads on all five prime suspects, it appears that each has an alibi that will stand up... for now, at least. Could it be that we're looking at this all wrong? Has this old dog chased his nose down the wrong trail? I won't give up. I won't let this lost battle deter me from winning the war. I will find out who kicked our beloved QB in the shin, and I will enact justice. For Whom the Cowbell Tolls will continue to search high and low, day and night, for the man, or woman, who carried out the brutal assault on our running game, and the future of our football program. Rest easy, Dak, we will bring this criminal to justice.