I want to thank you all real folks for showing up to hear me speak today, and thanks to all you beat writin' hacks for staying on the phone and away from Hatin' Saban. Yeah, I've got some things to say about Mississippi State; I've got lots of things to say. I guess a lot of y'all expect me to get up here and do some hatin', but I'm here to tell you ole Saban has turned a corner. [opens palms towards crowd] I got nothing but love for ya, Bulldogs. So y'all sit back and let Uncle Nick tell ya a few thangs I wrote down nice about the Bulldogs:
I'm only going to say these once, writin' hacks, so break out your snitch machines:
- Mississippi State is the best 4-5 team in the country. That's right; I said that. There also the best team I've seen play this year that only beat Bowling Green by one point at home, and that's indisputable. That's no small feat either. Bowling Green is, what, fourth in their division? Saban respects the MAC. Respect it until it returns. Craig Mack. Man, loved his stuff.
- Y'all know Nick's favorite beer is Coors Light, and like tappin' the rockies, MSU never slows you down.
- I hear their fans jeer all the time about the whole "we believe" thing from last year, but I don't get it. Years from now it'll make a great John Grisham murder-mystery, and I bet they won't be complaining then.
- Mississippi State never once laid a hand on a woman, unless you count all of their nonconference wins from 2012.
- [quotes about "the process"]
- Mississippi State's 2007 offense was electric under ole Sly. I don't remember all the games, but I know that John Parker Wilson kid was huge for them against us.
- At Mississippi State, they're all about charity. Their special teams have been so giving this season that I started filling out a 501c form on their behalf the other day and didn't even realize it.
- Chad Bumphis had probably the greatest punt return against one of my teams that I've ever seen that didn't count.
- MSU's offense.... MSU's offense is like the finest girl out of all the girls that Nick would never ask to dance.
- I tell ya, I don't understand all this wise-guys talkin' 'bout firin' ole dandy Dan in Starkville. Dan's done nothing but good for the rest of us.
/hatin' Saban hits the nearest reporter in the head with the mic.