/Cohen enters the room, clearly STILL pissed at everyone he sees.
COHEN: OH, HELLO THERE, DOUBTING DANS OF THE MISSISSIPPI STATE FAN COMMUNITY.
HELLO PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT WHEN WE WENT 0-2 IN THE SEC TOURNEY, THAT WE WOULD GET SMACKED IN A REGIONAL TOO AND THEN MAYBE I WOULD GET FIRED, SENDING ME INTO A RAGE THAT WOULD INEVITABLY LEAD TO ME BURNING DOWN THE PALMEIRO CENTER.
HELLO PEOPLE WHO DIDNT REALIZE CT BRADFORD'S BASEBALL SKILLS WERE LIKE IF MITCH MORELAND, BABE RUTH AND MIKE PIAZZA ALL HAD A CHILD WITH THE HOTTEST CHICK EVER, AND THAT CHILD PLAYED BASEBALL.
HELLO FANS WHO THOUGHT THAT HANGOVER 2 WOULD BE AS GOOD AS THE FIRST ONE.
IT CLEARLY WASNT FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello Ole Miss At Home Again.
hahaha you guys like what i did there? its funny right? because the first letters spell Omaha?
/reporters laughing at Cohen's joke
HEY SHUT UP YOU REPORTERS I DIDNT TELL YOU YOU COULD LAUGH AT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LISTEN, I'M HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU ONE THING: WE CAME TO GAINESVILLE TO WIN THIS THING; NOT TO GET TIM TEBOW'S AUTOGRAPH, OR TO TOUR ERIN ANDREWS OLD DORM ROOM TO SEE IF SHE LEFT ANY PICTURES LYING AROUND, WE CAME TO WIN.
WIN THE SUPER REGIONAL THAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS. WIN IT FOR OUR SENIORS, WIN IT FOR THE SENIORS MOTHERS. GOSH DAM**T, WIN IT FOR AMERICA.
SO LETS GO OUT THERE AND GET ALL SWAMP PEOPLE ON THIS REGIONAL AND TAKE DOWN SOME GATORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/dropkicks The Junction reporters
/dropkicks Scott Stricklin
/whirls off in Jeremy Foley's Mercedes, which he stole just now
*Note: No Diamond Girls were harmed in the making of this fake press conference.
*Second Note: Tomorrow's Game 1 will be televised on ESPN2 starting at 11:05a.m. (CT) Color commentary will be provided by none other than The Big Hurt himself, Frank Thomas. Should be fun.