SEC SOUR RANKINGS: Where worst is first

TO HECK WITH YOUR POWER RANKINGS. IMAGINE IT, WHAT IF SOMEONE WAS INNOVATIVE ENOUGH TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX, RANK TEAMS NOT IN ORDER OF TALENT OR SEASON ACCOMPLISHMENTS, BUT BY THE OPPOSITE. LET'S RANK TEAMS BY THEIR LEVEL OF SUCKTITUDE, BY JUST HOW BAD THEY PLAY THIS MAGNIFICENT GAME OF FOOTBALL. BUT NOT ONLY THAT, LET'S ALSO RANK THEM CONSIDERING FACTORS SUCH AS FAN BASE, COACHES' HAIRSTYLE, AND THEIR GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION. COMBINE ALL OF THESE FACTORS, AND YOU HAVE YOURSELF THE SEC SOUR RANKINGS. THESE ARE THOSE RANKINGS

1. Kentucky - There could be no more sour place in the SEC (football wise, that is) right now than Lexington. Kentucky is in the midst of a horrendous season, even by Kentucky football standards, and yesterday they found out they'd be window shopping at other programs soon as their coach Joker Phillips was fired. WHEN IS BASKETBALL SEASON STARTING?! - proclaimed every single Kentucky fan. And then they realized it was soon, so basically Mitch Barnhart very soon hires a cardboard cut out of Dale Earnhart Jr. to coach Kentucky's remaining 2 games (they could still beat Tennessee with this head coach). SOUR SCORE: Sour Milk
2. Auburn - see also: Gene Chizik and Trooper Taylor still paid by your school. Auburn football right now is as sour as a whole bag of sour patch kids at one time all in your mouth, y'all. If you're an Auburn fan, the taste is bitter, but if you're a fan of any other SEC school or an Alabama fan reading this from the Wal Mart deli counter, this is pretty sweet. Don't worry, help is on the way, but it demands a 10 year $150 million dollar contract and 2 blondes a week. Oh, and a motorcycle. SOUR SCORE: Sour Patch Kids
3. Tennessee - After finally breaking the spell Derek Dooley's beauty had over them, Tennessee fans awake to find themselves in the midst of a nightmarish season, where even Troy is like pssshh can't believe I only scored 40 on you guys. The Vol Navy in Knoxville has soured so bad this season that they make Sailors who've been without shower for 3 months smell minty fresh. Things could only get more sour at UT if the following happens: Derek Dooley remains, and doesn't comb his hair anymore. SLIGHTLY LESS SOUR DUE TO DOOLEY PANTS/HAIR SOUR SCORE: Sour Baby Face
4. Ole Miss - Ole Miss has played much better football this season than the previous two, but the way their fanbase acts, you'd think they were well on their way to national championship contention. They spent Saturday morning all LOL DAN MULLEN SNOWBOWL SUX GHEY STUPID COW COLLEGE HARD ON STATE FAILS n such while State was getting hammered, only to themselves get hammered that afternoon. Talk smack a bit early much, no? It doesn't matter what you say to Rebel Black Bear fans, Ole Miss will always be better than you, they will always be cooler than you, and they were cool before cool was cool. Just remember that. So I'm sorry Ole Miss, despite your decent play (outside of whippings to Texas and Georgia), your fans cost you a few spots in the rankings. SOUR SCORE: Sour Grapes
5. Missouri - In their first season in the SEC, I'm sure the Tiger nation thought it would be better than this. But what they didn't know is that the SEC East would come at them like a spider Monkey, attacking fast and swift and oh God we have Alabama at home that should be fun. Their latest effort was a 14-7 loss in Gainesville, which is great, if you love losing, and jean shorts. Like Kentucky, they are like crap when does basketball season get here. BONUS SOUR DUE TO POOR GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION. SOUR SCORE: Lemon
6. Arkansas - Arkansas came into this season with high hopes, so it was only natural that those hopes be dashed by an affair, a young blonde, and a motorcycle. Essentially, Arkansas fans this year are paying for being the school who is favorited by Bill Clinton, in the most Bill Clinton way possible. Arkansas just hopes now to make a bowl game, after barely surviving against Tulsa last Saturday. Things could be worse, they could also live in Arkansas. Oh wait.... SOUR SCORE: Sour Mood
7. Mississippi State - Go to the Snowl Bowl rematch, they said. It will be fun, they said. Commemoration of a snowy game on a day that featured 80 degree temps, a half asleep crowd and team, and a Johnny Manziel induced butt whipping. All of those things happened in Starkville Saturday, continuing the soured mood there as State lost its second game in a row following the 7-0 start. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN WE WERE SUPPOSED TO UNDEFEATED, cried one fan not wearing pants. SOUR SCORE: Sauerkraut
8. Vanderbilt -THE GOOD NEWS: Vanderbilt demolished Kentucky 40-0 in Lexington Saturday. THE BAD NEWS: It was Kentucky, so why didn't you score more? THE ANSWER: they didn't score more because they were studying for pre finals finals on the sidelines, duh. SOUR SCORE: Stone Sour
9. LSU - 125,000 LSU fans Google "what is this feeling of emptiness after a home game?" It's called disappointment, and we want to feel bad for you, LSU fans, we really do, but y'all have been doing that exact same thing to all of the rest of us for like ever. SOUR SCORE: Whiskey Sour
10. South Carolina - OFF WEEK SOUR, because although they didn't play, they still don't have Stephen Garcia, and dangit, the SEC misses Stephen Garcia. SOUR SCORE: Amaretto Sour
11. Florida - You got a win, sure, but it was a 14-7 home win over Missouri, who frankly isn't very good this year. You got a little sweet, but how close it was gives you a bit of sour. SOUR SCORE: Sour Skittles
12. Georgia - Georgia's sour rating was SUPER HIGH in the first few minutes of Saturday's homecoming contest with Ole Miss, but it plummeted following the Bulldogs 30 straight unanswered points. SOUR SCORE: Sour Cream
13. Texas A&M - The Aggies are flying low in this week's sour rankings, mostly because they demolished their last two opponents all the while Kliff Kingsbury was like GOOD GAME EVERYBODY LET'S BURN THIS MOTHER TO THE GROUND. SOUR SCORE: Sweet and Sour Pork
14. Alabama - AIN'T NOTHING SOUR IN T-TOWN PAAAWWWWLLL ROOOOOOOOLLLLLLL TAAAAAHHHHDDDD! SOUR SCORE: Pure Sugar