At first, you'll probably go through denial. No, no, no, no, there can't NOT be any sports going on right now. Then, after a few moments of worried panic, you'll probably remind yourself that major league baseball is still going on, and that might give you just a small glimpse of hope. Hope, that is, until you remind yourself that only old people, Braves fans, and stadium seating attendants watch more than one full MLB game in a week before September. Then, and only then, will it hit you square in the face:
IT IS THE SPORTS OFF-SEASON.
There's no reason to panic, my brothers and sisters. We will find a way through this. We will survive, like we always have. With each year brings this desolate sports dead period, but each year we prevail after a couple of mind numbing months of sports-less wrath. I have already started formulating a plan to get myself through the summer. I'll just spend more time
working in deep thought writing my autobiography talking with my wife doing situps fixing the lawnmower.
Crap, what am I going to do.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I am going to find activities to occupy my time. I'm going to beat this.
Dangit, I will make it back into your loving arms on Labor Day weekend, football. How will I do this, you ask? For today and today only, I will share, for free, ten of my most secret tips to surviving the sports offseason.
- Start an irrational sports argument -- Some days you just wake up and say, "yep, today is a good day to start an irrational sports argument on the internet". The creation of the internet has greatly aided this popular summertime endeavor, while also helping cut down on fights [because no one can find you on the internet]. The most compelling argument starters are some variation of the following: _______ is at best the 5th best quarterback in the ________ conference, insert rival here doesn't have a prayer at actually winning insert predicted win total for upcoming season for rival, _________ conference >>>> _________ conference, and the always popular debate: Les Miles. Make sure that if you set out one day this summer to start an irrational sports argument on the internet, that you not abandon it, or become logical about half way through. Stay with it, because if there is anything people hate more than a troll, it's a troll who turns face.
- Watch LOST -- Take it from a man with first hand experience: there is nothing that will eat up time like watching LOST. I got sucked into the show years after it was on the air, late one night when I was surfing Netflix Instant for something to do. Four hours later, and I had watched the first four episodes, and I was hooked. The good thing for me is that there were six seasons to catch up on, and catch up I did. I can't stress enough though that you have to pace yourself, or else you'll look up a week later having burned through all the discs,15 pounds heavier, and having not seen the sun in quite some time. The show is worthwhile, even if there are a few sections of episodes that you just have to power through. You'll be fascinated, you'll be confused like you never have been before, and there's a small chance that you'll be a complete conspiracy theorist when you come out on the other side. But is it worth it? Absolutely. It's a great show that'll help you burn right through this boring stretch of summer. Fair warning: anytime that I fly on an airplane now, I start picking out who would be which character should the show happen to me.
- Talk to recruits** -- Nevermind all the logical things you read on the internet, it is almost 100% guaranteed that if you tweet a recruit daily from the account of a 52 year old truck driver living in Pell City, then said recruit will most definitely commit to your favorite school [roll tide]. There are approximately 1,475,532 recruits out there, so you have roughly 24,600 to tweet to a day. Better get to work.
- Start a band -- Here's the thing: your mom, ex-wife, and/or ex-girlfriend have it all wrong. You're not an awful musician. Yes, an electric ukulele CAN make you the Hendrix (Arthur, not Jimmy) of our generation. But to be honest, it really doesn't matter how good you are at all. I mean, I'm sure they make enough apps these days that you can just synthesize everything, record it, and tweet it out all within an hour. If Skrillex can push six buttons, move around on stage really weird for a few hours and get rich, so can you. However, you'll want to spend as little time as possible recording, and the majority of your time promoting Here's your steps: 1) record song. sure, a six minute solo in the middle will work 2) tweet and promote that song until you can't anymore. Send it to everyone. Send it to people you know. Tweet it to Diddy; he knows people. If that doesn't work [it will], then just create a bunch of fake accounts and tweet "OMG listen N RT" from all of them. We call this move "Rovell'ing". Not only will this guarantee that you're rich and famous by football season, but the time will just fly right by while you're riding on Diddy's private jet, explaining how you fused the sounds of a ukulele and wolf screaming to make what essentially turned out to be a Lady Gaga album. Rock on, and rock faster towards that Labor Day weekend, brother.
- Make lists/Rank things -- Making lists and ranking things has been a staple of the internet since it first came about. Did you know that the second ever website was a ranking of Madonna's greatest outfits? No? Well, it definitely was. Anyways, there's no better way really to pass by nine weeks than to just rank and make lists of everything. "10 reasons _________ team will make the Rose Bowl this year". "A list of every movie that uses the BRAAAHHHMMM sound." "42 pictures of cats not quite making their jumps." All these types of things would normally get you disavowed from humanity, but those rules don't apply during the summer. So go right ahead, write that "15 reasons why Johnny Manziel can win FIVE Heismans." If that's how you need to pass the time, we don't mind. Okay, we do, so keep it to a minimum. Oh, and the limit is five of these types of posts. We don't need another Bleacher Report popping up overnight.
- Get a job as a cameraman for ESPN -- Are you a male between the ages of 1-99? Can you operate a camera and once every six weeks wave to your family on camera about the 6th inning? Can you awkwardly pan your camera in the direction of attractive females repeatedly, nearly bordering on stalking? If you answered yes to
allany of these questions, then you should get a job running a camera for ESPN this summer. Wait... I apologize guys. This note was actually intended for an email to Brent Musburger.
- Watch every Lord of the Rings movie [including the Hobbit] in succession -- If you start today, you should be completing just by final warm ups on August 31st.
- Start a transfer/eligibility rumor** -- There are few things more satisfying than starting a completely unfounded transfer or eligibility rumor about an athlete at a school near you [the one you hate]. Now that we've started off with a quote from [insert your local sports message boards most deplorable poster's username here], let's talk about why this is okay to do. Firstly, collegiate athletes don't have feelings! You can say anything you want to about them and it doesn't even matter. Besides, they'll probably never read it anyways. It's on the internet, which all college athletes are shielded from 24 hours a day by a satellite placed in orbit and paid for by the Nick Saban Processing Fund. Source? Nope, you don't have one. But do you really NEED one? Absolutely not. If someone calls you out on it, just say "someone in the know," a "friend of the program," or "Byron De'Vinner" told you. Those people don't really exist, but the other people on the message board where you plan to incite a riot today don't need to know that. Type away, and don't stop until you've convinced everyone that a school in your conference is about to see its star QB transfer just before a national championship run.
- Play EA Sports NCAA Football 2014 -- The greatest pastime of those that have lived through tumultuous summers since the late 90s is playing NCAA Football on your gaming console of choice. Each time the first part of July rolls around, it's like the first time all over again. You rush to the store. You speed home, passing old ladies on the sidewalk. You rush inside, rip of the packaging [takes half an hour] and play for hours. Each year you set out to conquer every challenge, win every dynasty. You are THE man to finally take the Akron Zips to the National Championship game. Not Terry Bowden, YOU. The key, however with NCAA Football is to pace yourself. If you don't find a way to limit yourself to so many games a day and week, you may look up a week later on July 16th and say "you know what, maybe Interstate 55 School of Barbecued Meats and Physics Learning Annex DOESN'T need to win a 16th national championship in a row." And there you will find yourself, burnt out on the best chance you have from this list to make it to Labor Day. Patience. Pace yourself. Like the old saying goes, "One national championship a day keeps the football-less depression away."
- Take your girl/guy to a nice Red Lobster dinner -- nothing says I
love like may likesometimes enjoy being around youin your vicinity like a nice basket of cheddar bay biscuits to share with that specialsomeone. How does this help you pass the summer by, you ask? It doesn't, I'm just craving the biscuits right now.
**If you truly do plan to do this, please do the following first: 1) unplug your computer from the wall 2) carry said computer down to US 90 in Biloxi 3) hurl it into the ocean. Please substitute "phone" or "tablet" for "computer" where applicable.