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Totally Serious Opponent Report: LSEaux

Let's not talk about LSU.

Chris Graythen

This is not where I talk about LSU fans, readers. I simply just won't do it. I'm not going to say that the state mascot is Bruce from Swamp People, riding the bayou at 65 MPH chugging a natural light to some hybrid Zydeco/Lynyrd Skynyrd mix. No, I won't do that friends.

Nor will we talk about the fact that Louisiana Politician in french is LE BRIBERY, or that when each politician in the boot state is elected office, he's given a copy of the Edwin Edwards handbook. No, we will refrain from such outlandish statements.

I won't also say that from the time they are near the age of 10, LSU fans are conditioned for college and years beyond by having bourbon fountains in all of their schools, right next to the water ones. Sure, they give kids a choice, but only a UL-Monroe grad drinks the water.

This is without a doubt not going to be the forum where I tell you that to be cursed out by a Cajun is a life altering experience. The mixture of (some form of) English elegantly laced with a Cajun-French adjectives hitting you in the face at 1000 mph from some red faced lawyer in a shanty bar is something everyone should be witness to once in your life. You want to scare kids straight, America? Forget the jails, put them in a back road bar in Mansura at 1 a.m. and have them yell "GEAUX TO HELL LSU." 100% scared straight success rate. Sure, it may not keep them out of jail, but it will sure keep them out of Louisiana.

The place to talk about the odd correlation between LSU fans and the smell of corndogs is not here and it is not now, I tell you. No, no one should joke that a herd of LSU fans smells like the back of a Sonic kitchen at 9p.m., because that would not be true. Sonic does not serve bourbon with their dogs (unconfirmed for Sonics located south of I-10).

And last but not least, this is without a doubt, 100%, for sure, definitely not the place to say that LSU is essentially led by your escaped from the looney bin uncle Vernon. You remember, the uncle who used to show up without pants and with his toupee on sideways at Christmas time? That's definitely not Les Miles, even though the striking similarities in grass consumption preferences are oddly similar. In all seriousness, it would be unfair to say any of these things about a man who has strokes of genius at times that rival even Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, even if he does on occasion have some impotence in his clock management skills.

What I will talk about, though, is how talented the LSU football team is. LSU weaves together successful season after successful season, dominating their opponents except Alabama to continue decade's worth of football dominance. No, there really is no program in the SEC with a more dedicated fanbase and with an overabundance of success like LSU.

I'm glad we didn't have this talk.

And my score prediction for this game? No, we won't talk about that. ....No, I'm being serious, we really aren't going to discuss it /runs into oncoming train with giant grass eating head attached to front