Here’s a fall camp update for your college football team

Not unlike when spring practice began months ago, [your team] reported for fall camp this week, and things look really great so far. Here’s a brief rundown of what we’re hearing and seeing out there on the practice field:

• Everyone reported looking more fit and focused than ever before; even the punter looks like one of the guys up front on a P90x infomercial.
• It’s sad that our beloved leader and QB, [his name], finally graduated, but early reports are that his backup - you know, the one we’ve wanted to start since two seasons ago - looks nothing short of Brett Favre thus far. In addition to growing two inches since May, word is that [new QB’s name] didn’t has not had an incompletion thus far, and has at least three touchdown passes of 60 yards or more already. I don’t want to overhype him at this point, but you might want to start looking for hotels in New York for early December.
• Our running back situation is going to be so much better this year. Word is the new guys were in the gym at 5 a.m. every day this summer, and it showed the first day of fall camp. I didn’t know stone statues could run a 4.3 - 40, but we’ve got a few of them who can.
• The coaching staff just seems locked in much more than in previous years. You can tell [your coach] even stood in front of the mirror and rehearsed the things he would yell out during Oklahoma drills this summer. All of the new coaches and coordinators just seem to be a better fit for our program. The big take away is they all look hungry for a championship.
• There are three new guys that really stick out thus far: [true freshman hyped RB recruit], [transfer WR], and [redshirt freshman DL]. These guys really are going to be hard to keep off the field this year. Expect each one to play early and play often.
• The defense seems to be on the attack more this year. Every play was like they were downhill, running full speed into the backfield. Don’t get me wrong, I still think our offense will be great, too, but that defense is going to be so good.
• Based on what I’ve seen thus far, I really think this is the year we can beat Alabama.

(fine print: fall camp notes above apply to all but one team: Alabama. If that is your team, please see the following:)

• After his usual summer spent in a hyperbaric chamber catching up on 10 months of sleep, Nick Saban looks ready for another championship run. It’s always risky when a human doesn’t sleep for 10 months, but the kinks in the formula that have surfaced in previous years appear to have been fixed. Also, I’m being told that the Oklahoma and Ole Miss malware in his software system has finally been located and removed.
• The strength and conditioning scientists coaches Nick hired from MIT have finished the HairbotQB 5.0, just in time for the season. Rumor is that this year’s version is more mobile than previous year’s. According to sources, speculation that it starts every play call with ‘Hail Skynet’ are greatly exaggerated.
• I have no clue how it’s physically possible, but the new running back is at least 20 pounds bigger than Derrick Henry, and two steps faster. There’s no word yet on if he will be charged for the two walk ons he run over in practice, may they rest in peace.
• Another year is starting and no one seems to notice that the Lane Kiffin in public is just a life sized doll run on wires by graduate assistants. It’s not ideal, but until we catch the real Lane after he escaped that abandoned sorority house we kept in caged in, it will have to do. Attempts to hack and shut down his Twitter account continue to be unsuccessful.
• Bring on number 17. Roll Tide.