By now all of Mississippi State-dom has seen them. After the departure of our nine-year leader, there are quite a few names bouncing off all corners of the internet that many consider to be strong candidates for the next head coach of Mississippi State football. Names like Jeremy Pruitt, Joe Moorhead, Nick Saban and Brent Venables have all circulated as hot names to replace the guy MSU will never forget, Don Mullens. So which one of these fine gentlemen will emerge as the next head Bulldog?
Answer: none of them.
That’s right folks, I’m here with a hard dose of truth casserole for you. As usual, the LYIN’ MEDIA won’t tell you who the real candidates are, so I’ve taken it on myself. Let’s get to it.
Manny Diaz, Defensive Coordinator, Miami Hurricanes
♪ ♪ ♪ Once, Twice, Three times a Mannnnnaayyy ♪ ♪ ♪
Sure, he’s already served two terms in Starkville, but as they say, the third time’s the charm. Manny Diaz is to MSU what Ben Wyatt was to that accounting firm on Parks and Rec: we can’t help but be drawn to him, no matter how many times we’ve been hurt before.
Diaz’s defense has buoyed a resurgent Hurricanes team this year, so his name is bound to start circulating for head coaching jobs. He’s a bright young coaching mind that’s guaranteed to stay your coach until at least the first call about another job comesaaaaaannnd he just left again before I finished the sentence.
Will Ferrell, Entertainer, Prestige Worldwide
A man of many talents, Ferrell is the star of the viral Saturday Night Live clip that will forever ignite the passions of cowbell lovers across this great nation, especially in Starkville. Surely we could toss him $5-$6 million to come scream at the team shirtless and motivate them between filming Daddy’s Home sequels, right? Who wouldn’t love this enthusiasm in the locker room?
Dan Mullen, Head Coach, Florida Gators
Dan Mullen may be just settling in to his new job in Gainesville, but you’d have to think he’d consider a job like MSU. The coach before him left a roster chock-full of talent on both sides of the ball, and it’s a roster that fits his offensive scheme. The only worry with hiring Dan is him immediately being a candidate for the then-open Florida Gators job.
Bully, Mascot, Mississippi State University
Mississippi State just got beaten by a rival that mock-urinated in its endzone. How do you top that? By hiring a coach that can actually pee on the field, and it’s totally acceptable. You’ve got to stay one step ahead of your rivals, plus who could compete with Bully in recruiting? The in-home visits to close on recruits are a lock when you’ve got an adorable wrinkly face and a belly everyone loves to scratch. Only Coach O can match that.
Andy Cannizaro, Head Coach (Baseball), Mississippi State University
Back when boys were men and we weren’t always “twittering” about our “feelings”, some coaches were in charge of multiple sports on campus. Andy Cannizaro is nothing if not a man’s man, so what’s to say he couldn’t tack on another sport and carry the football team to similar success? BONUS: you wouldn’t even need to hire a strength coach, you just have Coach Can do that too.