Reasons Why the University of Alabama is the Worst

• Nick Saban throws hissy fits. When Nick Saban gets mad and yells it does not scare me. Boo hoo, something did not go his way. Instead of acting like an adult he throws a tantrum like a petulant child. He is simply a grown man that can’t control his emotions. Grow up Nick.

• Roll Tide is an overused and overrated phrase. Look! Here’s ESPN shoving it down our collective throats.

• Bear Bryant hated houndstooth. He always preferred a white and black checkered look. He figured that the average Alabama fan was too dumb to know the difference.

• Bernie Madoff is a huge Alabama fan and alum. The infamous Bernie Madoff swindled millions of Americans out of billions of dollars. For those that don’t remember, ole Bernie was convicted of fraud and was the mastermind behind the largest financial fraud and Ponzi scheme in American History. It’s very Alabama-esque. Loads of unyielding and unchecked power results in Americans being cheated. Thank you Alabama. Roll Tide.

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• Tuscaloosa is only 85 miles away from Starkville. It makes logical sense that one of the greatest college football dynasties resides just a stone’s throw away from Starkville. All the money, talent, and cargo shorts just flock to Tuscaloosa.
• Dreamland BBQ is only average. I have high standards. I come from the only place in the country that does BBQ right, Memphis, TN. So eating Dreamland was not really a dream but more of a half daze. The sauce was too sweet, the ribs were dry. Overall, not impressed. Very, very average food.
• Only the most obnoxious schools recruit Hawaiian players. Just look at this foursome of Notre Dame, Ole Miss, UCF, and Alabama. What a bunch of mouth breathers. Notre Dame recruited a dude with a fake girlfriend. Ole Miss is king of cast off quarterbacks including Chad Kelly, Bo Wallace, Jeremiah Masoli, and now Hawaiian nobody Jordan Ta’amu. The reigning national champs from central florida bagged McKenzie Milton from the islands as well. And now we have King Tua. The Hawaiian wonder boy who saved Alabama’s season as well as their dynasty.

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• Their backup quarterback has led Alabama to two national championship games appearances. Only Alabama would be so blessed to have the type of players to say “you know what...let’s bench our qb who took us to a national championship for a freshman with no experience.” And then that guy throws a national championship winning pass in overtime. Typical Bama luck.
• Tuscaloosa is an uncivilized urban deathscape. I always knew that crime was prevalent in Tuscaloosa but my Lord do these people know how to be violent. For a city with barely over 100,000 there are huge crime rates. The police are doing their best but the citizens of Tuscaloosa need to make better decisions, like try not to kill each other. That’s a good start.
• I’ve never met an Alabama fan that actually went to Alabama. I love seeing Alabama “fans.” They are quite easy to spot. Just look at their old Russell Athletic polos. I can count on one hand how many times they have been to Bryant Denny for a game. Guarantee you they’ve never taken a class on the Tuscaloosa campus. With that being said, I can see them in Birmingham at the UAB campus yelling “Roll Tide!” and being proud as hell.
• Alabama fans shop for their gear at Goodwill. Like for real. I’m not making this up. First off, they are cheap. You can go to Goodwill and search through bins of clothes where you pay by the pound. It’s a Crimson dream. Secondly, they refuse to support the university by purchasing through the book store.

Just imagine that while you are at Goodwill searching for cheap Halloween costume ideas you see a guy wearing cargo shorts, a Confederate flag t shirt and crocs. He’s probably searching for his wife’s anniversary gift and while rummaging through the bins at Goodwill, he finds a rammer jammer hat, someone yelled “Roll Tide!”, and they became a “fan.”

Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

• It’s so easy being an Alabama fan. Half of the Crimson tide faithful could never be State fans. They are simply not tough enough. Their little artery clogged hearts couldn’t take it. Their whole lives are given to them on a silver platter. National championships? Sure, how many do you want? Cheering for Alabama knowing your going to win is so easy. And if it were easy then everyone would do it. That’s why there are so many Alabama fans and fewer State fans. It’s much more difficult but way more rewarding.

Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

• Greg Byrne is the new AD in Tuscaloosa. Did anyone else know this? I don’t know how but it totally slipped my radar. Anywhos, former Mississippi State AD Greg Byrne leaves State for Arizona then leaves Arizona for Alabama. Now Greg will win national championships for just being a placeholder. The machine was already in place. Greg just happens to be the one benefitting.

Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

• BONUS: Reason Why I love University of Alabama. We beat Nick Saban. Throwback to the first time I was blessed with a Jim Beam shower.

Hail State Always