My dear fellow Maroons, we've had many instances of heartbreak; the pain from such heartbreak that rivals even the most cruelest of torture. Torture such as not having enough vodka not make my seventh Black Russian tonight, or trying to read an incoherent dribble from the comments section of the The Clarion-Ledger or the pain Linda Blair must have felt when she spun her head around in The Exorcist (I'm almost 110% sure she didn't use a stunt double in that scene). For some insane reason I've decided to a few posts on the games that brought the most pain in my life as a fan of the Maroon and White. You're probably asking yourself, "Buuut Sterling you're a super handsome, lady-killer, globetrotting spy; why would you want to relive such pain?,". Well dear friend, the spy business has a downtime, much like college football, during the summer months; so sit back, grab a drink, and turn on this:

Are you comfortable? Great, or as our friends in Bavaria say "wunderbar". The first slice of mental darkness that I've brought back from depths of my mind due to copious amounts of Black Russians..err I mean selected to relive for you, the gracious reader, occurred a day that will forever live in infamy: September 14, 2008. Yes, my dear friends; I'm referring to the 2008 Auburn game. I'm sorry I'm doing this, but I'm a complex, beautiful individual.

Sometimes in our lives we're given difficulties; like the loss of a pet, the terrible ending to a television series that we've invested so much time in (looking at you Roseanne), or getting your order at wrong at Jimmy John's (it's happened, no I didn't mess up my online order if that's what your thinking), or even worse: wasting three hours and sixteen minutes at Davis Wade Stadium, whilst witnessing the gridiron equivalent of a banana slug.

The invertebrate equivalency of the Croom Coast offense on that fateful night

I want to say these offensive numbers are from a game of NCAA Football 2008, while playing on "Junior Varsity" difficulty, but I'm being too darn optimistic. This had to be from a horrible football-centered episode of the Twilight Zone, but hell I just remembered that Twilight Zone had some limits due to censors. If you have children in the room that were born in 2009 or later, I'd advise you to cover their eyes; because no child deserves to know the truth of just how awful this excuse for an offensive output truly was. Viewer Discretion is advised:

I just projectile vomited. Thanks for ruining my computer, Sly and Woody.

I'm sorry I had to show you that. I really I am. If you need to go consul your offspring right now then please do. It's not their fault they don't remember those dark, dark days. Let's get back talking about this waste of time from your life that you will never get back, unless of course you can construct a time machine that runs on your crying child's tears. The offensive juggernaut of the 2008 Mississippi State Bulldogs farted out an astonishing six first downs that night. That includes a first down achieved from the good men in stripes that night. To make you feel even better the 2014 edition of this matchup saw the Bulldogs move the chains twenty-four times. I'm sure some sunshine pumpers that night were claiming that this was caused by the dominating force of the Auburn defense. One can only assume that God has a sense of humor and he displayed it that night in full-force.

The man upstairs viewing the game from Heaven, where first downs are aplenty.

I can still remember having an elderly Auburnite(?) spilling his large drink on me while moving to his seat and thinking surely this night couldn't get worse. Little did I, Sterling Mallory Archer, know what I was getting myself into. I'm not sure many people enjoyed watching this football version of paint drying, but I've been surprised. I mean surely a coach couldn't find a positive,... oh Tubs did?

"It was a true defensive game," Tuberville said. "And I'm an old defensive coach, so I was liking it a little bit. But I wished we would've scored a few more points."

FOMIASFNIOANSFONFOIANFOI...Sorry I just hit my head on my keyboard, which ironically enough by doing so I could've had a better offensive gameplan than Woody McCorvey. I can't go any further, my friends. Even going this far has made me stall like a Croom coached drive starting at the opponent's 30. I'll end this on a humorous note; this is the actual opening from the Associated Press wire report from the game:

STARKVILLE, Miss. -- Only a former defensive coordinator such as Tommy Tuberville could have enjoyed this.