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Predicting what each SEC football coach will eat at the SEC Media Days food court

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Because why not.

Are you guys going to eat?  Hey Steve wait up!
Are you guys going to eat? Hey Steve wait up!
USA Today Sports

Today is the official kickoff of the annual circus that is SEC Media Days. What do we learn from this annual event? Not much, other than how much coach-speak each coach can actually speak, and that every coach ever is looking forward to a hopefully successful season (that he feels his team is prepared for).

However, one part of this annual event, which is held this year in the Riverchase Galleria Mall in Birmingham, that is shrouded in secrecy is what each coach will be eating. I would imagine that with a hectic schedule of interviews/interrogations, each coach will opt for a quick bite at the Mall's open air food court. But do we know which restaurant each SEC coach will choose? No, but we can guess:

Nick Saban, Alabama - Nick Saban eats a Chicken Caesar wrap from Great Wraps, actually enjoys it, doesn't smile.

Bret Bielema, Arkansas - Ruby Tuesday for Bret, where he orders the Jack Daniels Barbeque Burger with large fries. Don't worry about a drink, Bret brought his own [reveals own bottle of Jack Daniels, mixes drink]

Guz Malzahn, Auburn - Manchu Wok, where he orders the combo plate with extra Tiger sauce, because he's contractually obligated to be ALL IN.

Will Muschamp, Florida - After becoming enraged that the McAlister's Express doesn't have chips and rotel, Will beats the manager senselessly, yelling "no, YOU can't have any nacho cheese, Mr. Muschamp."

Mark Richt, Georgia - Chick-Fil-A. I don't know why, but this just seems like a match made in conservative chicken sandwich heaven.

Mark Stoops, Kentucky - wherever the majority of the other coaches go.

Les Miles, LSU - Sarku Japan. An off-the-wall choice for an off the wall coach. Also, Les picks Sarku because he's convinced himself it means "Thank You" in Japanese, and he wants to thank Japan for saving our planet in from Godzilla by purchasing a large Spicy Tuna roll with extra eel sauce.

Gary Pinkel, Missouri - Bistro and Grill.

Dan Mullen, MSU - Sbarro. You don't pass up fine eye-tallyun eating when you have the chance.

Hugh Freeze, Ole Miss - [reaches in parking lot storm drain, catches 15 lb largemouth bass, walks into Bonefish Grill with said bass, cooks fish himself with dash of olive oil and lemon, feeds entire restaurant, four-5 stars and three moms commit on the spot].

Steve Spurrier, South Carolina - Shula's Steakhouse. Sure, he'll run late to his meeting because he's taking a long lunch and probably a round of golf afterwards, but those jabs at Clemson and Alabama's OOC schedule can wait until later, son [throws visor at Ribeye].

Butch Jones, Tennessee - [Spends four hours in the arcade, forgets to eat, gets mad at his mom on the way home because she wouldn't give him any more quarters].

Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M - Sumlin goes straight to Godiva, purchases a small sampler pack, opens that pack to realize that he actually purchased a dozen gold-plated Italian chocolate crèmes. Eats two crèmes, sells the rest to buy his own yacht called "Mark May Wishes".

James Franklin, Vanderbilt - James Franklin goes to McDonalds, but is asked to leave just five minutes later after he begins yelling at customers not to anchor down their stomachs with those large greasy fries.