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An exclusive look at ESPN's game notes on MSU for the College World Series

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Here's what we got, fellas, and here's what we KNOW. - ESPN

Coach Cohen what can you tell us about this teams LOOSENESSBENCHMOBBFACIALHAIRPOWERPOINTWESREAFIVETOOLRENFROE success?
Coach Cohen what can you tell us about this teams LOOSENESSBENCHMOBBFACIALHAIRPOWERPOINTWESREAFIVETOOLRENFROE success?
USA TODAY Sports
  1. Hunter Renfroe is a five tool player. F-I-V-E. Count them all out, and make dang sure you don't say four. If Orel ask you mid broadcast: "hey Mike, is Hunter Renfroe a three tool player?", you say "no Orel, no he's not. He's a five tool-er". We need to mention this repeatedly because we are partly sponsored by "Hunter Renfroe Five Tool Mechanic Shop & Tire" in Omaha. Sure, it's the worst name for a mechanic shop, but they pay us.
  2. Brett Pirtle is a non-traditional cleanup hitter. I don't know if you know this, America, but cleanup hitters are, by nature, large men who clean up the bases with their gigantic sledgehammer bats. Brett Pirtle is not a gigantic man, Wes Rea is, but we'll get to that in a minute.
  3. Bench Mobb -- the second b is silent. Production team, make sure we get plenty of footage of them rapping in the third inning. Did we show them throwing Ross Mitchell on the field? Show them throwing Ross Mitchell on the field. I don't care if we already did, show it again.
  4. Wes Rea is big. HE IS BIG HOLY LORD EMPHASIZE THIS. This should be mentioned no less than 30 times a game. Oh, and make sure you list his measurements. I want to cut on the broadcast and think I caught that one section of baby got back because you listed his measurements so much. Also, make sure you talk about him turning down football scholarships to big schools. Big schools is the buzz phrase here folks. Oh, and there's no need to mention that he got a football offer from MSU too, just leave that one out.
  5. This MSU pitching setup, it's flat-out nontraditional. It's never been done before. They've been doing it since the regionals all year, say all year right here.
  6. They're only gonna leave their starter in for like two innings. This needs to be emphasized as well. That's just weird, who does that. Oh, and when Cohen comes out to just talk to the team, act like they're going to pull the pitcher there. Sure, they've had the same setup all year, Cohen comes for the chats and Thompson makes the changes, but let's keep the audience guessing. IS HE COMING OUT? IS HE STAYING IN? It's a mystery.
  7. Facial hair powerpoint - MENTION MENTION MENTION MENTION. Beard shots -- we need beard and hair shots at a minimum every 10 seconds. Hey Bill, make sure you keep that side-by-side shot of Kenny Powers and Jonathan Holder queued up from the 6th inning on every game that they play in.
  8. Girodo - It's pronounced like this [inaudible pronunciation nowhere near actual pronunciation]
  9. Bullpen use -- sure, it's tied to #6 basically, but make sure you talk about it a lot as well.

Alright gentlemen, that's literally all we have for this team. Make it last, and Mike, maybe don't drink every half-inning.

- ESPN staff*

*not really