Jack Cristil: The Interview

*This interview is a complete concoction of fiction from my brain.  This, in no way, reflects my thoughts of Jack Cristil and is in no way meant to portray his mannerisms or personality at all.  I consider myself to be one of the biggest Jack Cristil fans there are out there.  This is simply for fun.

[Jack Cristil]- (lights up a cigarette.  Takes two, long, exaggerated drags, blows smoke out slowly) Oh well you’re quite welcome young man.  And might I say, you remind me a lot of Neel "Twinkle Toes" Schmellman, an old Sports Beat Writer who interviewed me several times over the course of my career.  Me and Neel…

[Not MSU VZ]- (Coughs loudly to stop Mr. Cristil’s rambling)… So, shall we get started Jack?

[Jack Cristil] – Sure, and please, call me Mr. Cristil. 

[Not MSU VZ] – (awkward look)

[Jack Cristil] – (Pissed off look)

[Not MSU VZ]- So, MR. CRISTIL, tell me one memory from your illustrious 50+ year career that sticks out in your mind as exemplifying the Mississippi State spirit?

[Jack Cristil]- Well Bobby…

[Not MSU VZ]- (interrupts)…Um, my name is Mark sir.

[Jack Cristil]- Like I was saying Bobby, what best memorializes the MSU spirit to me was the relentless, hard fought attitude of both the team and the fans during the Sherrill era.  Those were the days when State played hard-nosed, hit you in the mouth defense.  Nothing like the Carl Torbush rush 2 drop 9 into coverage and everyone just plays patti-cake with each other.

[Not MSU VZ]- I agree Mr. Cristil the 90’s were great times for the Bulldog nation.  Speaking of The Kang, what are your thoughts on the NCAA’s sanctions against Jackie Wayne, and the implications he ran a dirty program back in those days?

[Jack Cristil]- Geeze you reporters and your "investigative reporting".  I mean, we all got a cut back in those days.  That’s just the way things were.  There were no nosey @$$ reporters snooping around everyone’s business and TWEETERING about everything they see.

[Not MSU VZ]- (Tweets about Mr. Cristil)

[Jack Cristil]- (flips off The Blog)

[Not MSU VZ] – (tweets about being flipped off)... So, Mr. Cristil, can you tell me about one of your most memorable football games to call?

[Jack Cristil]- Ah, excellent question.  There are so many to chose from, but I think I would have to go with the 2006 Bama Game.

[Not MSU VZ] – Why that one sir, if you don’t mind my asking?

[Jack Cristil]- Because State beat Alabama, IN Tuscaloosa, and I called Saban "Satan" basically the whole game and no one said a thing.  Oh and I'm fairly certain I saw Michael Henig throw a touchdown pass, but I can't be sure.  There were so few of them in those days

[Not MSU VZ]- That’s understandable; I mean it is just one letter off.  And as for Henig, yeah, spotting a td from him was like spotting bigfoot.  

[Jack Cristil]- Like spotting bigfoot yes, but with better fur!

[Not MSU VZ]- ha that was a good one Mr. Cristil! (slaps jacks leg)

[Jack Cristil]- Thank you young man, but please, dont feel like you have to touch me again.

[Not MSU VZ]- (awkwardly silent)...(finally) So Mr. Jack, what have you been up to since you left MSU radio?

[Jack Cristil]- Well Grady, I have done a few things here and there.  One of the more prominent accomplishments of mine is that I have been narrating several books on tape.

[Not MSU VZ]- Oh really? That’s pretty cool. Which books have you narrated if you don’t mind me asking?

[Jack Cristil]- Well for starters there was The Sn00ki biography… (looks away ashamed)

[Not MSU VZ]- Seriously?

[Jack Cristil]- (sharply) Hey don’t be so judgmental you little twerp.  Back during the Templeton days, even though I am the beloved voice of the Bulldogs, the beloved part didn’t always resonate when it was time for old Larry to cut the checks.  I’ll tell you, being a radio announcer, money wise, isn’t always as glamorous as it seems.  In the ever-changing economy, with the fluctuation in the Asian Markets, one never….

[Not MSU VZ]- (eyes begin to glaze over)

30 Minutes Pass

[Not MSU VZ] – (wakes up, finds Mr. Cristil staring, still talking, and now drinking Makers Mark and smoking a cigarette) Mind if I get a drag off of that Maker's Mr. Cristil?

[Jack Cristil] – Not at all, IF you can handle it.

[Not MSU VZ] – (takes swig, coughs violently)… Smooth.  Now, if you could say anything to the State fans out there after all your years of service as radio voice of MSU, what would you say?

[Jack Cristil] –Well Bobby, I would say, simply, THANK YOU.  Thank you for tuning in all those years even when the team couldn’t beat a team full of Michael Jackson’s.  Thank you for allowing me to serve as your radio announcer for 5 decades.  Rarely the few get the opportunities to see the places I’ve seen, meet the wonderful people I’ve met, and experience generation after generation of the greatest football anywhere around, Southern Football. (pauses, looks confused)  Young man, are you crying?

[Not MSU VZ] – NO SIR! I just have an allergy that is acting up (really is crying).  But might I say, those words were very well put sir.  It does no justice to the readers at home that they are merely reading them on a page and not hearing them amplified by your Golden Voice.

[Jack Cristil] – Young man, are you hitting on me?

[Not MSU VZ] – Um, no sir….

[Jack Cristil] – (awkwardly stares)

[Not MSU VZ] – (checks watch)

[Jack Cristil] – (awkwardly stares)

[Not MSU VZ] – (stares out the window)

[Jack Cristil] – what a weirdo… (gets up, walks out of room.)